Groundhog Guidance


Dear Groundhog, 

I’m a commuter and nobody asks me to go to parties. What do I do?



Dear Artis4,

If you’re desperate to go to parties, I’d try making some more friends. Just talk to people. Get to know someone new. Chances are you’ll get invited. Maybe that’s the reason you aren’t being invited though, because you’re trying too hard. If you act like you don’t want to go, like you’re too cool or something, maybe people will invite you. Probably not. Also, If you’re trying to party in the Mill, I’d rethink that. That place is crusty. Actually, you know what’s better than being “invited to a party”? Crashing one. Go, snag some shots of non-alcoholic juice, and leave. 

As the Groundhog, I’m legally required to give you wholesome, homeschool advice, so listen carefully. Do not drink if you are under 21, don’t do drugs, do not climb the UD tower, and do not sneak into the cafeteria in the middle of the night. These are things only delinquents do. You’re not a delinquent, are you?  Be good and read your Aristotle. College doesn’t last forever. 


The Groundhog


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