Groundhog Guidance … y’all need help

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Groundhog Guidance

Dear Groundhog, 

Something I’ve loved about Texas has been the abundance of cockroaches around campus. Wall-E is one of my favorite movies and I love Wall-E’s loyal pet cockroach. I was so excited to finally have the opportunity to have my own little loyal friend and cried tears of joy when I adopted Mr. Roachester off of the Mall. However, my roommate doesn’t see eye to eye and brutally maimed Mr. Roachester before I had the chance to explain that he’s happiest behind the bathroom mirror (Mr. Roachester is a little self-conscious of his appearance and doesn’t want to be in front of the mirror). How do I have a reasonable conversation with a roommate who is so impetuous and led by her passions of rage and disgust?

Signed,

Jane Eyrentomologist

Dear Jane,

I hate to break it to you, but I 1000% agree with your roommate on this one. First of all, you should never bring home a pet without getting the “OK” from your roommate. Second of all, cockroaches are nasty.

Hate me all you want for that statement, but creepy-crawlies that can survive nuclear blasts and have an unknown amount of germs attached to them should not be anywhere near me and especially not near my TOOTHBRUSH! I get if he’s self-conscious — I’d be self-conscious if I were a notoriously hated bug too — but seriously just hang out somewhere where there aren’t any mirrors. I highly recommend the outdoors many miles away from human habitation for Mr. Roachester’s future home.

@ Jane’s roommate: I wish you all the luck dealing with this and know that RAID is an effective roach killer.

I’ve lived in Old Mill and I’m still haunted by the cockroaches I encountered there. Roaches are a hard pass for this Groundhog.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,

Groundhog

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Dear Groundhog,

Help, Groundhog! My fiancée is the weight of a small killer whale and growing. Recently we lost some friends when, over dinner, she snarfed down their pooch for an appetizer. Groundhog, I plan on marrying this waddling woman but the weight of pressure is crushing me. Please, how can I contend with this beautiful behemoth?

Signed,

John Ode

Dear John,

Seems like an intervention may be in order. How do her other friends and family react to her actions? They might be able to help you address the weight of this issue.

If increase in appetite is the problem there might be some underlying causes that need to be addressed. Considering she ate a dog raw, fur and all, I’d suggest running while you still can. You don’t want this to escalate into a Moby Dick scenario.

If you’re dead set on staying with her though, you might just need to go to the gym more so you can lift some of that pressure off of you.

Just know that being single isn’t all that bad,

Groundhog

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Dear Groundhog,

Why don’t they serve Irish coffee at the Cap Bar?

Signed,

Hope

Dear Hope,

As much as we may wish for that extra pick me up during certain classes, the Cap Bar sadly lacks a liquor license.

If Irish coffee is what you seek, however, making your own brew at home is quite simple. All it takes is coffee plus whiskey or cream liquor and sweeteners of your choice.

Of course, this only goes for students 21 and up! Drink at your own risk.

Remember that flasks are an option if you’re that desperate,

Groundhog

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Dear Groundhog,

Every day I do at least one awkward thing in public. How can I increase that number?

Signed,

Awkward Bean

Dear Awkward,

The simplest solution to this problem is to just be in public more often.

You can also try classic tricks like responding “You too” to people in the service industry and staring far too intently at people during conversations.

At the end of the day, people probably won’t remember or notice a few instances of social awkwardness, so in order to make this a staple of your personality, you’ll need to work hard to really up your daily number of awkward scenarios.

Bye,

Groundhog

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