Say goodbye to anxiety attacks from trying to figure out those sadistic synthesis problems on your organic chemistry final: the math and science departments of the University of Dallas have teamed up to provide security blankets for all students during exams.
STEM majors across campus rejoiced at the unexpected but much-needed benevolence on the part of their professors.
“Now I have something to snuggle with while taking my awful p-chem tests,” junior Brenna Rossi, a chemistry major, said. “It’s also nice to have something for the students in the labs that I TA when they start sobbing after realizing how badly I’ve wrecked their GPAs in just one night of grading.”
Rossi’s fellow chemistry majors concurred, saying that the generous move reveals the inner teddy bears of Provost and chemistry professor Dr. C.W. Eaker and former department chair Dr. William Hendrickson.
“I don’t really feel that I need a security blanket during orgo tests, but I’m just glad Dr. H has decided to reveal that he is pretty sweet after all,” one student said. “I always knew he was more than just a malevolent version of Santa Claus.”
Assistant professor of chemistry Dr. Scott Boegeman repudiated the new measure to spread comfort objects throughout the Haggerty Science Center.
The University News found his comments too hurtful to print.
Some freshmen in Boegeman’s general chemistry course reported that he attempted to set their blankets on fire with a Bunsen burner.
“I mean, we had broken three beakers in one day by that point, but his behavior was simply uncalled for,” one said in tears. “He makes me want to drop out and become a biology major. They’ve started giving us chocolate after exams.”
Another of the students began to mention that any chocolate offered by the biology department might not be safe to eat, but her companions ignored her.
Dr. Frank Doe, who was responsible for the decision to offer chocolate to all pre-med students following exams, was unavailable for comment because he was mourning the demolition of Lynch Auditorium.
Senior math majors studying for their comprehensive exams rejoiced upon hearing the news of the security blankets.
“Even if I completely fail, at least I’ll have something to make that F a little easier to bear,” one senior said. “Speaking of which, I need to go cry in despair some more.”
One math professor, once reported to have said that he did not want to make his students cry but merely to crush their souls, shrugged at the change and said that he would not make his exams any less difficult.
His indifference comes in contrast to Dr. Sally Hicks’ firm resolve to make her tests even harder in response to the change.
Her remarks, like Boegeman’s, were too insensitive to print, but they mostly touched on the importance of preserving the dignity of the physics department and its place in the nightmares of biology and chemistry majors.
Computer science majors proclaimed that they cared little about the security blanket policy.
“We spend so much time working with things that don’t have feelings that we’re not sure we have any emotions left, anyway,” junior Brian McCutchon said, before pausing to think. “Wait, maybe computers do have feelings after all. That’s a problem.”
The new measures to protect the feelings of science majors has sparked an uproar among humanities students.
“We have it pretty rough, too,” a history major said. “Just yesterday, Dr. Sullivan actually laughed out loud at my senior thesis proposal. Where’s my blanket, huh? This blatant discrimination hurts my feelings.”
Philosophy majors and professors were contacted for opinions on the apparent bias in favor of science and math students, but they were too busy debating whether machines had feelings in light of the comments of the computer science majors.
One theology professor, however, was eager to share his thoughts.
“All students in light of this development need ask themselves only one question, and it’s not, ‘Do I want security blankets during my exams?’” he said. “Rather, we should all be asking ourselves, ‘What would Thomas Aquinas want?’”
English majors, congregated in the Cap Bar, laughed at the budding controversy.
“I don’t care unless they start offering security blankets for students writing papers, because we don’t really have tests anyway,” one said before finishing her latte and returning to her Senior Novel homework. “Some love for the poor struggling seniors would be nice, though.”
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.