In the past few years, the University of Dallas’ shirtless, brazen, nipple-baring, adolescent men have overrun pool area. Each semester, the problem only seems to grow.
Females and rugby players alike have expressed extreme levels of discomfort and concern about this growing infestation at the pool.
After months of letters and protests, something is being done about the issue. The administration is taking what some consider extreme measures to bring order back to the pool community.
Beginning April 1, all people, especially males, will be required to wear swimwear that covers their upper torso, in addition to their regular swim trunks. The student body erupted with comments about this controversial issue.
Rugby player Angelo Novello and his girlfriend, Marquel Plavan, are ecstatic that something is finally be being done about the issue. Novello is excited to finally go to the pool free from the constant, crude distraction of male torsos.
“It’s about time [that] men be as oppressed as women,” Plavan agreed.
Some of the lacrosse boys have jumped on the bandwagon as well.
“I think it’s a really good idea,” Charlie Buxton, a preppy lax bro, said. “I have always opposed ‘free the nipple,’ all of them should always be hidden. Nipples are a horribly sexual part of [the] body. They are a reproductive organ, for crying out loud! I don’t think just two-pieces are enough. Rash guards should be required as well, for men and women. And aqua socks.”
Not everyone is clued into what this will really mean for pool goers. Freshman Peter Early at first expressed great excitement about this new rule.
“I have always felt that boys should be wearing bikinis, ” Peter initially said, but he found the new rule stupid when he realized regular male bottoms were still required.
Tommy Fysiks, a freshman golfer, agreed.
“I don’t work out every day so I can wear a shirt to the pool,” Fysiks said.
Administration hopes that this will be enough of a solution, though some have expressed concern about the tight nature of clothing after it gets wet.
Should the new dress code not solve the problem, boys may become banned from getting wet at the pool. Hopefully things will not come to this.
The UD community will be on their toes as days warm up and boys adopt this new policy. Hopefully, the pool will now be a more welcoming place for all people.
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.