Lynch: down but not out

Jacqueline Condon, Imperial Czarina

Fr. Thomas Esposito and Dr. Frank Doe seem to have been spared from the ghost of Lynch Auditorium. Photo by Marquel Plavan.

Lynch Auditorium may have been demolished, but according to numerous witnesses, its ghost is still among students and faculty at the University of Dallas.

Freshman Michelle Little was returning from the library late at night when she saw a dark building right where Lynch used to stand.

“I was so tired that I didn’t realize anything was wrong at first,” Little said, shuddering. “Then, I heard it. It was whispering, ‘If thou didst ever thy dear auditorium love, avenge its foul and most unnatural murder.’ ”

Dozens of students have reported similar phenomena around the bulldozed patch of land where Lynch once stood.

Perhaps more alarmingly, others claim to have experienced strange manifestations throughout campus.

Wherever the incidents take place, witnesses report common elements, including Lynch’s signature musty aroma, the sound of wasps buzzing and a voice, as if echoing through a defective sound system, crying out for vengeance in iambic pentameter.

It seems that over its years of faithful service, Lynch has absorbed some of UD’s Core texts, enabling it to embark on its own preternatural Shakespearean revenge quest from beyond the grave.

The ghost’s apparent target is UD President Thomas Keefe, who ordered Lynch’s demolition.

After hearing of the ghost’s intent, he donned the Crusader mascot armor normally kept in the Admissions Office and barricaded himself in his office in Carpenter.

Although he was unavailable for comment, he has been heard clanking around inside, muttering, “What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?  Yet who would have thought the old building to have had so much blood in it?”

Fr. Thomas Esposito, who gave a heartrending eulogy for Lynch earlier this semester, said that, while he always saw the demolition as a tragic injustice, he was “as surprised as anyone” by the haunting, and that, as a monk, he disavowed both violence and trafficking with unquiet spirits.

“Yet blood will have blood,” Fr. Esposito said, shaking his head.

UD’s clerical presence would usually be the first defense against such a spiritual menace, but in this case they are as baffled as the rest of the university community.

“We don’t know what to do,” one seminarian said. “This shouldn’t be happening at all.  Lynch was just a building. No offense,” he added as the lights flickered ominously.

Campus Safety is not prepared to deal with the haunting itself, but did offer some suggestions for staying safe.

CSO has instituted a curfew and, in collaboration with the English department, has compiled a list of notable Shakespearean hazards.

For the time being, they recommend avoiding swords, wine, poison, poisoned swords or wine, daggers, regicide, battles, bodies of water, witches, pursuit by bears, men not of woman born, pies and young love.

Many students, of course, have had difficulty following the exhortation to avoid wine.

Student Programming at the University of Dallas (SPUD) members were overheard complaining that their plans for future Wine Down Wednesdays have been ruined.

“What are we supposed to do now, serve grape juice?” one member complained. “We’re not fundamentalists over here.”

Students in Rome and many in Irving were too upset to comment on the prohibition.

Not everyone, it must be noted, sees the haunting or the precautions as cause for concern.

Dr. Frank Doe, who always insisted upon teaching in Lynch despite cold temperatures and disgruntled biology students, has found the ghost to be a “benevolent presence.”

Apparently, his years of devotion to the fallen auditorium have paid off.

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.


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