Donald Trump: the man America needs

Emily Lataif, Resident Political Wonk

Photo courtesy of Michael Vadon,

What can I say? Trump has won me over. So, in true Trump fashion, there’s not much more to say, so I’ll leave that there.

You know what, forget it. I’ll go on because you seem like a nice bunch, and I feel like it. Good people. Reasonable guys.

You ask if I have reasons. Well, let me tell you something: the dopey left-wing media, the VERY weak Republican establishment and total loser Obama are all controlled by special interests. And that’s good enough for me. You can be sure of that.

Look: Trump cares a lot. About a lot of things. And he has a lot of reasons. And if he doesn’t go into tons and tons of details, what does it matter? He WILL make America great again. I just have a feeling. Feelings are important and he has validated the feelings that I have about the direction our country is going.

I’m sick and tired of losers. Rubio has proven he’s a loser and America needs winners, because it’s really important that we win at everything. I’m not sure what winning means in the context of the presidency, but I feel like it’s a good thing. Trump’s obviously a winner. He’s had beautiful wives, lots of money and builds big things.

I’m tired of the elite. They’re mean, dopey losers. And don’t tell me Trump is elite. Being from a multi-million dollar New York dynasty doesn’t make you elite. And anyway, for your information, being successful equals being qualified for president. It’s as simple as that.

I feel angry, and Trump feels angry, so we’re a good fit. Little Marco is weak, America is weak (thanks, Obama) and we need a strong leader. Trump is a strong guy. He never apologizes. He never settles a lawsuit. And those are GREAT qualities to have in this complicated world we live in. I love it. Obama doesn’t get subtlety. Trump is all about subtlety and getting things done. He’s gotten lots of things done before, and he’ll get lots of things done as president.

If you care about making America great again, you would just trust that Trump has our best interests at heart. Because he definitely does. He’s definitely not doing this for his name brand. He’s definitely not doing this because it’s the only thing he hasn’t bought yet with his billions. And he’s definitely not doing this for the media attention.

And for all you Republican establishment folks: quit saying he’s disrespectful to women. Trump cherishes women. You take everything out of context, and it just goes to show how misinformed you are. Pick up a newspaper, will you? When he said that one woman would look great on her knees in front of him … well, I’m not sure what the context was, but it doesn’t matter.

And what he said of that clown Megyn Kelly: she had blood coming out of her “wherever”… well I just feel like we need to get over this idea of political correctness and common decency. Goodness knows our country is tired of “gentle and soft” Obama. (Probably a closet Muslim.) If we had more people saying stuff like it is, we’d be in a better place. We’d be a great country.

I’m so tired of being decent to people. Thank goodness we have Trump to prove that it’s possible to be a good Christian who loves the Bible AND knows not be decent to people who don’t deserve it. Because the only people who deserve to be treated well are the people who treat Trump well. The media hasn’t been fair. They’re trying to stomp on his First Amendment rights. I hope he sues them for being mean. It’s not nice to be mean to Trump. They need to be taught a lesson about meanness.

And if you don’t think he’s actually conservative, well you have another thing coming. People change. Trump just changes a lot. Sure he’s given tens of thousands to Hillary Clinton, supported partial birth abortion, the stimulus and single-payer healthcare, hired illegal immigrants, and pushed for higher taxes. But he’s changed now. Cut him a break, OK? Hasn’t anyone ever taught you common decency?

The only way to show you love America is to vote for Trump. He will get in that White House and make things better. Don’t ask me how. He just will because he’s strong and awesome. I just have a feeling. I want someone who will make good deals, build big things and get all the darn immigrants out. And that’s why I’ve dropped my support of lightweight Rubio who doesn’t know a darn thing about how to get things done.

We need to stop asking so many questions about what Trump really believes. Just trust him. As Americans, it’s really important to put all of our faith in one man who promises to solve all our problems.

(And he does believe great things, I can promise you that.)

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.



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