Putting the fun in funeral: plan your own

Connor Fitzgerald, Supreme Overlord of Awesomeness


Graduation is just around the corner. As our proud University of Dallas seniors take that next big step in life, we are reminded just how short and fleeting life truly is. It seems like just yesterday we were getting our class syllabi to begin the fall semester. Before you know it, we will be retiring and moving to Florida. Not long after that, it will be time for us to graduate life and move on to the next step in our existence.

Yes, it is morbid, but it’s a reality that we all have to accept sooner or later. And one of the best ways to do that is to get all of your funeral planning out of the way now. We are all still young and bursting with creativity, imagination and ideas. What better time is there to start planning for our last party on Earth? I don’t know about you, but I want to go out in a way that people will remember.

Maybe I’ll have a spring-loaded mechanism put inside my urn to surprise whoever opens it first. Maybe I’ll blast confetti over the crowd during the service. Maybe I’ll have a closed casket and, after the eulogies, start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” very slowly over the speakers until all my friends and family are on the edge of their seat in a terrified anticipation. Then the bass drops and the strobe lights come on. Okay, maybe not that last part, but you get the idea.

My point is that the possibilities are endless. And you don’t even need to make your goodbye intense to make it memorable. Feel free to take a more subtle route with a more personal and meaningful feel to it. You could always have yourself stuffed so that everyone at your wake can give you one last hug.

Give yourself a Viking funeral.

Make sure that everybody gives their eulogies in Pig Latin or while inhaling helium.

Take a page out of a Super Bowl commercial from a few years ago and be buried surrounded by your favorite snack. Maybe a coffin full of Doritos or Smuckers Swirl jelly.

We don’t get to decide how we die. We don’t get to decide when we die. It could be next week in a toothpaste factory explosion or 80 years from now in a toothpaste factory explosion. It is not up to us. What is up to us, however, is how we will be remembered in life and how we will be remembered in death. You can decide the first part right now and for the rest of your life.You wouldn’t want your impression and reputation to be determined by others in life, so why would you opt for it in death? Don’t let somebody else decide for you. Stand out with a unique and individualized farewell to the world.

I don’t know about you, but I plan on going out with a bang. If I die, you’re all invited to my funeral to see how it should be done. It’s going to be held at the nearest toothpaste factory.

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.


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