New semester, new beginnings and new clubs

Connor Fitzgerald, Supreme Overlord of Awesomeness

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It is that time of year when clubs begin the renewal registration process for the upcoming fall semester. In some cases, clubs are putting their hats in the ring to be accepted as a brand new club for the first time. Here are some clubs looking for their start next year at the University of Dallas that you might be interested in joining.

Sports-related clubs have always been a hit at UD. In fact, two of the most recent athletic clubs, tennis and swim, are now in the process of becoming full-fledged Division III sports programs. Inspired by this success, freshman Raven Darkholme has decided to start a Hide-and-Seek Club. Her experiences during the fun and excitement of avoiding her killer during Charity Week’s game of Killing As an Organized Sport (KAOS) gave her the idea. Darkholme began playing informally with her friends on weekends and after classes. After support for the game grew quickly, she decided to turn it into an official club for next semester. Darkholme was unable to be located for comment on the growth and potential of the soon-to-be club.

If you are looking for a club that might be a little bit more relatable to the average college student, you might be interested in the ironically-named Procrastination Club. Founded by junior Ferris Parker, the intent of the group will actually be to prevent procrastination and encourage finishing work early and avoiding the need for last-minute cramming. Parker was unavailable for an in-person interview, due to scheduling conflicts, but in a recent email, he explained, “The club isn’t to help procrastinators, but to encourage people to avoid it. Like by organizing group study stuff, or homework time and things like that. i think it could be useful for a lot of people.”

Parker had the idea for this club last year, but unfortunately missed the club application deadline. If he succeeds this time, I’m sure that there are many students who could make use of this group.

If those clubs do not seem like something to your liking, then perhaps you might want to look into the Conspiracy Club. Sophomore Carl Bernstein, who refused to be quoted directly for reasons he refused to make clear, is founding the club. After several hours of researching Bernstein, tacking clippings from various essays he has written over the years and using a lot of red yarn, I was able to discern that he wants to create a safe haven for those suspicious sounding ideas that might be ridiculed as paranoia elsewhere. With the funds allocated for the group, some of the more legitimate sounding theories would be able to be investigated to their conclusion. While most might think the newspaper is best equipped for such investigations, following Bernstein and detailing his daily activities led me to believe that he is rather suspicious of our university publication. His ideas might be a little out there for some, but you are free to join his group nonetheless. Just do not forget to put all your contact information on the sign-up sheet.

Whether you plan to join all of these groups or none of them, make sure you remember to have fun because there is more to life than work, and our UD clubs are a wonderfully healthy distraction. These new clubs add even more swirl to the Smuckers jelly jar that is our campus.

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.

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