Former Olympic gold medalist Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner was announced as the Athletics Director for the University of Dallas this week, ushering in a new era for the sports program that many agree could use transformative change.
The 1976 Men’s Decathalon champion has come a long way from his/her days on the cover of the Wheaties box. Jenner’s athletic glory has been somewhat overshadowed by other recent developments.
Coach Cait, as Jenner has asked students to call her, arrived on UD’s campus with a promise to bring struggling sports teams into the win column but also in order to escape the glare of Los Angeles lights that can be hard on the skin.
UD, she said, is a natural fit, given its conservative bent and perpetual underdog status.
“We’re so much alike,” said Jenner.
Of course, not all UD students were ready to roll out the welcome mat.
Senior Ryan McAnany said he can’t get past one glaring problem: Jenner might play favorites when it comes to track and field.
“While obviously it is a benefit to my sport, I feel like [Jenner] won’t give the proper attention to the rest of the sports here at UD,” McAnany said.
Beyond that, Jenner’s experience with running a college athletics department, even one as small as UD’s, is limited. Or non-existent, to be more accurate.
Not to worry, the coach said.
“Honey, if you can manage all the awards banquets and interview requests I’ve been fielding, this is nothing,” Jenner said.
Not all of the students on campus are upset about the Jenner hire.
Sophomore basketball player Emmanuel Calton said Jenner might still have game.
Meaning basketball, he clarified.
“I’m sure Bruce Jenner liked to hoop in his day too,” Calton said.
There’s no question that Jenner could once brag of thunderous one-handed dunks and a dead-eye three-point shot.
Age and high-heels have slowed her, she acknowledged.
“But don’t think I can’t bring it when I have to,” Jenner said, whispering “swish” under her breath.
Yes, the new director is sure to bring a shade of attention to UD athletics. Probably because of all the trophies we’ll be racking up.
CBS, NBC, Fox, ESPN, Fox News, CNN and MSNBC all led their broadcasts with news of the hire.
“What the (bleep) is the University of Dallas,” ESPN anchor Scottie Van Pelt shouted to a producer off screen.
“They got the NCAA death penalty in the late 70s for payouts and drugs,” incorrectly answered legendary sports talk host Dan Patrick.
Throughout the entire hiring process, Jenner never once visited campus, an anonymous source confirmed. She was busy, the source explained, putting the final touches on plans for next season’s “Real Cait UD.”
But once she got here, Jenner stepped before the student body and promised that UD’s athletic programs are about to shine like diamonds.
“We’re giving this place a radical makeover, and we’re gonna look better than ever,” Jenner said with a smile.
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are ficticious in nature.