President Brendan Luke,
O’Connell Ministry of Programming
In a long-anticipated and unprecedented move, O’Connell Republic Hall is hosting an exhibition of the crown jewels of its former emperor. The democratic republic, which recently saw a massive transfer of power when the now-Vice President Matt Zelinsky willingly abdicated the throne, has flourished ever since the newly-enfranchised residents of its halls established first a constitutional monarchy and then a democratic republic.
“Things have never been better,” said one resident who declined to give his name. “Honestly, the former glory of the empire could not have come to a better conclusion in this modern age, where emperors and kings are somewhat of an anachronism.”
Recently the republic hosted a highly successful black tie, Tex-Mex billiards tournament, heightening popular perception of the new political structure.
“My constituents have expressed a great deal of hope for the future, and the weight of a new age is coming,” said a local representative on the first floor of the now-republican dorm. “The transfer of power, which our benevolent Emperor Emeritus Zelinsky has graciously facilitated, has been largely bloodless.”
The crown jewels, which were designed and forged in the heyday of the empire by master craftsman and sometime troubadour Maddie Pelletier, will be on display on April 14 in the lounge. French toast will be served, and the republic’s soon-to-be poet laureate Tom Farris will be reading a lyric narrative of the history of O’Connell to honor the occasion.
“We are excited to share this momentous period in the history of our great Republic with the rest of the world,” Zelinsky said in a recent press release. “The empire has come to an end, and a new dawn is upon us. The cries of the people have not gone unanswered. It is our hope, in the newly christened O’Connell Republic, that this dorm, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this university.”
The “bloodless revolution” in O’Connell is truly a significant event in this university’s history, and it should give the rest of us hope. It is a hope that many of us need, for a large number of pitiable sophomores and juniors are still subject to the tyranny of the West Hall’s vicious dictatorship. The unexpected and virtuous altruism of O’Connell’s emperor has ensured that the creation of this new republic was — on the whole — bloodless, but it appears that in the coming years, the residence halls of this university must give way to liberty, freedom and mutual brotherhood, or fall amidst a mass of opposing factions and bloody insurrections.
Rachel Pauletti, a local political historian, stressed that the roles Old Mill and the housing area known as “The Condos” (along with Raj of PDK Foods, an enigmatic figure whose political clout and origins are shrouded in mystery) will play in the coming struggles deserve serious thought.
“The residents of The Condos and Old Mill are not subject to the direct rule of the residence halls, but they undoubtedly have a stake in the future of this university,” Pauletti said in a recent interview. “And of course, many of them have siblings who will be subject to tyranny until granted asylum on the other side of Northgate.”
Heavy thoughts, indeed. Whatever occurs in the days to come, those who are willing to stand up for the liberty of residents will find a staunch ally in the new O’Connell Republic.
“We always have stood for the good, the true and the beautiful in our great hall’s history. It is our hope and our firm intention to enable that pursuit for our brothers by whatever means possible,” Zelinsky said in a formal address at the weekly Residence Hall Association meeting last Tuesday.