By Hunter Johnson
First of His Name
King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men
Lord of the Seven Kingdoms
Protector of the Realm
Khal of the Great Grass Sea
Breaker of Chains
Father of Dragons
The North Korean government is behind the recent string of earthquakes that have rattled Irving, Texas, according to an official statement released from Pyongyang Sunday morning.
University of Dallas President Thomas Keefe has vowed to retaliate against the communist nation as soon as possible.
“These despotic, loathsome and inhuman communists, led by the grossly detestable Kim Jong Un, have taken actions of the most heinous sort against us,” Keefe said while brandishing his infamous sword during a press conference Monday. “If they thought they could get away with this, they’ll soon learn otherwise.”
The government in Pyongyang released the statement after geologists in the Irving area discovered what appeared to be a large subterranean device operated by five engineers and guarded by 15 armed commandos. A task force that included dozens of FBI agents and the Dallas SWAT team apprehended the commandos and later confirmed that they were North Korean.
The North Korean crew operated the device in secret from the old Texas Stadium grounds next to the university. They explained to investigators that they managed to avoid detection by posing as a salvage crew and living in a back portion of the Tower Village apartment complex.
The statement did not offer an explanation as to why the North Koreans launched the earthquakes. It only went so far as to state that residents deserved the inconveniences due to their American citizenship.
“Those fat-cat capitalists affected by our quakes of righteousness only experienced a mere taste of our justice,” the statement read. “The wretched scum living in the greater Dallas area represent the worst of American tyranny, and their lands will soon be reduced to ash and molten sorrow.”
It is widely believed that Kim Jong Un, the hermit nation’s dictator since 2011, has long held a grudge against Keefe and the university. Rumors persist that the animosity began when Keefe declined to visit Pyongyang during a tour of Asia in 2012.
Defectors from the communist country have also confirmed that Kim Jong Un applied to the Satish and Yasmin Gupta College of Business last spring. According to the defectors, Kim Jong Un was rejected when he indicated that the honor of hosting him would be sufficient for tuition costs. They said that this rejection is what put the earthquake attacks, codenamed “Operation The People’s Lotus Vengeance,” into motion.
UD administration members have yet to announce how they plan to retaliate against Pyongyang. The university’s current military capabilities are limited due to a combination of low manpower, budget cuts and an overall lack of enthusiasm among the student body to travel anywhere that is not Rome or a bar.
Analysts and security consultants, however, argue that the university does have options for conducting a strike in response. One military consultant spoke to The University News on the condition of anonymity. With experience in war zones such as Iraq and Macy’s on Black Friday, the consultant requested to remain anonymous because he is one of six recently hired to advise the administration.
“If UD really wants to hit back at Lil’ Kim in a meaningful way, it’s going to need to build a coalition to combine resources and manpower,” he said, old cigar in his mouth. “When they do that, they could easily put together a small operation capable of maximum impact.”
The advisor listed several feasible counterstrike options, including placing dumpster bombs throughout Pyongyang, having the Blue Crew storm Kim Jong Un’s palace and chant the UD cheer repeatedly, and loading offshore artillery with old cafeteria food and bombarding the capitol. He said the university is looking to bring in a SEAL team for assistance, but he is unsure if those efforts will be successful.
Keefe has confirmed that the administration did send representatives to Vatican City in an attempt to garner papal support for the counterstrike. The Vatican has yet to make an official statement on the matter. The University News can confirm, however, that several members of the Swiss Guard secretly arrived on campus Tuesday morning to act as military advisors.
Many University of Dallas students have reacted to the chain of events with moderate surprise and limited fury. Many cited the relative ineffectiveness of the North Korean attacks as reason to let the incidents go unanswered.
“I think the worst effect the quakes had on me is that they woke me up at 6:30 one morning,” said senior Ada Thomas. “If that’s the worst they can do, we shouldn’t dignify them with a response and spend a lot of money on it.”
Other students lacked interest in an official response for simpler reasons.
“I’ve got two papers due this week on top of my other classes and work,” said senior Linda Smith. “I think a counterstrike would be great for justice and all, but UD can’t expect me to actually help out when they give me this sort of workload.”