King of Pride Rock
Whether she has the best of teams or the worst of teams, one team is not enough to sate the ambition of Angelina Pane. In a startling turn of events over the weekend, Angelina Pane, head coach of the University of Dallas women’s soccer team, staged a daring coup d’état, deposing men’s soccer Head Coach David Hoffman and seizing control of the entirety of the UD soccer program in one fell swoop.
“I had a moral imperative,” Pane said. “The men’s soccer team has long been in desperate need of my unique coaching style in order to actualize all of its potential. The culture surrounding sports, especially soccer, at the University of Dallas has to change.”
Within hours of deposing Hoffman, Pane promised to usher in a new era of UD soccer.
“Soccer is more than just a game. It’s a lifestyle, a conversion to a totally new existence,” she said. “I have to have a tight grip on things or the base desires of human nature will come out in my players — desires for companionship beyond the team, relaxation,” — here Pane laughed bitterly and loudly — “education, etc. The key to my approach is breaking my players down in order to build them back up in the way I want them to be.”
Pane has used the coup as an occasion to publish her newest edition of her book, “Angelina’s Anthology of Meticulous Rules, Precepts, and Guidelines for Successful Obedience.” This work forms the basis of Pane’s legal system, not unlike the Code of Hammurabi, the Babylonian dictator who reigned from 1792 to 1750 B.C. Even mild infractions of this code of conduct are met with swift and merciless justice.
“One mismatched sock, one missed practice or game for class, and I will come down on you like a sumo wrestler,” Pane said.
Sources inside the new regime, speaking on the condition of anonymity, have provided us with a boots-on-the-ground perspective.
“It all happened so fast. No one saw it coming,” said one exhausted athlete. “Most of the guys have been deported for ‘reeducation.’ She’s set up camps where they learn ‘team bonding,’ ‘motivational thinking’ and the ‘benefits of four-a-day practices.’ Resistance is futile. Anyone who tries is immediately sentenced to hours of Jenga and making inspirational scrapbooks.” Other sources have pointed to senior defender James Bernard as the key to Pane’s swift success.
“He’s the worst. He’s an appeaser,” said one source close to events. Bernard could not be reached for comment.
Meanwhile, Hoffman has taken refuge and formed a soccer team in exile in Sherman, Texas, joining the ever-growing list of University of Dallas coaches at Austin College.
“I’ll be back,” Hoffman said. “Like Napoleon’s triumphant return from Elba, so too will I retake my rightful place on the pitch.” Hoffman has appealed for assistance to University of Dallas Athletics Director Dick Strockbine. When asked for comment, Strockbine said the matter is pending before the Office of Campus Safety. General Secretary of Campus Safety Dave Lemire was also unavailable for comment. While Hoffman awaits intervention, Pane continues to consolidate her power, and the men’s team languishes under the yoke of soccer.
The beautiful game of soccer is now solely Pane’s game at the University of Dallas.