How to write an A-plus essay

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Trying to receive an A at the University of Dallas can be a taxing endeavor, but it is something anyone can accomplish by following a few simple steps.

Always begin your paper with a sweeping generalization like “in all of human history” or “the greatest of all poets.” After you have successfully captured your audience’s attention, you may choose to add a thesis. A thesis is entirely optional, as it is simply an antiquated way to frame an argument and make dull people sound more intelligent. If you do choose to use one, though, like your opening statement, the thesis should be as broad as possible and attempt to answer some question like, “What is love?” or “What is the meaning of life?” Since you have buckets of time as a student, these types of questions are manageable and appropriate to answer.

Now that you have introduced the essay, you are ready to write in earnest. As you script the body of the essay, make sure to include the word “plethora” at least once; it is sorely underused here at UD. Also, sprinkle in some fancy punctuation like semicolons and dashes or, dare I add, that holy grail of grammarians: the ellipsis. Placement is secondary in regard to punctuation. Remember here that quantity over quality is key. This is a general rule that can really be applied to everything in essay writing.

As you write, do not bother yourself with any argumentative coherence, or for that matter, having an argument at all. Academic writing is primarily about your personal expression and manipulating quotes to fit what you want to say. Dismiss any citation. Professors love looking up quotes in books; that is why they are professors, after all.

Always be as verbose as possible. This can be achieved by using the passive voice whenever possible, using the verb “to be” instead of fussing with precise, complicated verbs and focusing on increased redundancy. You can even switch up tenses in the essay, as this adds complexity to your writing and shows your ability to adroitly handle varied verbs.

Once you have written the body, you can conclude your essay by simply copying your introduction and pasting it onto the end, and, if you like, changing a few words. The parallel structure will really tie your essay together beautifully.

If, despite following these rules, you still find yourself at a loss for words, do not hesitate to take full advantage of the glorious “copy and paste” function. Any scholarly work you find online, especially on Wikipedia, which is a goldmine of valuable, trustworthy information, can be assimilated into the text of your essay. This not only helps you sound intelligent, but also relays to the professor that you know how to Google something with remarkable skill.

On a tangential note, please do not burden yourself with actually reading anything assigned, as this is an utter waste of your time. All professors really prefer a summary on Schmoop to any real thought. Ask any English major – the form and word choice of the original are merely rhetorical distractions in the end.

Happy writing! With these tips you are sure to be an A student in no time at all.

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