By Nicholas van Schajik
Lurking in the suburbs of Dallas, soaking up knowledge in the Satish and Yasmin Gupta College of Business at the University of Dallas, is the bright, young and revolutionary entrepreneur Alec Thie. The senior has just recently announced his post-graduation plan to make it big by opening a slaughter-your-own-chicken restaurant in the Deep Ellum district of Dallas.
Thie said the inspiration came to him while he was cruising Pinterest and noticed a sizable niche within hipsterdom where the ethical eating and do-it-yourself trends converge. He immediately knew that he had found his demographic, and a slaughter-your-own-chicken restaurant would be irresistible to them.
“This caters to animal rights activists, who want to be totally sure that their chickens are slaughtered humanely,” Thie said.
When the restaurant opens, patrons will be able to come in and choose a chicken out of large, grassy, sunny chicken-utopia of a backyard, catch it themselves and bring it to the table. Next, a server will come and present them with a selection of weapons. Customers may then choose two with which to slaughter their chickens. Those with little butchering experience need not worry, because the walls of the establishment will be decorated with very detailed picture tutorials on chicken slaughtering.
When finished, the fresh and humanely-prepared chicken carcass is taken to the kitchen and cooked in whatever fashion the customer chooses. During the lunch rush, there will be a team of young Mennonite boys available to assist with the feather plucking, which tends to be the most time-consuming part of the process.
“I know the animal rights enthusiasts are going to love this because they will have full control of the last few minutes of their chicken’s life,” Thie said confidently. “It’s important to them to be able to name their chicken and form a relationship with it so they can eat it later with full confidence that it received some love and attention during its life.”
One of the last steps for Thie is deciding on a name for the restaurant.
“At this point it’s really just down to two possible names: ‘Fowl Place’ or ‘Kill Yourself,’” Thie said.
Whatever it is called, the restaurant will also offer a private slaughter hall available as a venue for kids’ birthday parties, wedding receptions and other larger events.
Thie admits that he can foresee some complaints coming from people who are overly concerned with sanitation and do not want to eat their chicken at a table that is covered with freshly-harvested feathers and chicken guts. He is not concerned that this will affect his business model, however.
“The animal rights activist demographic I’m catering to has a profound respect for these animals, and these people aren’t the squeamish type,” Thie said. “They’ll see the beauty and poetry that exists in eating the chicken while surrounded by its remains. The chicken has given the ultimate gift. The least people can do is be mature and not shy away from things like that.”
The restaurant will open the day after graduation, and Thie expects lines to be huge because the swarms of animal rights enthusiasts and Pinteresting do-it-yourselfers have already been spreading the hype. So mark your calendars, lay out your skinny jeans, re-grease your dreadlocks and get out to Deep Ellum to try out this revolutionary new way of dining!