Charity Week to be replaced by Me Week

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By Sally Krutzig

Queen of Quotes

 

 

 

In 1963, the students and staff of the University of Dallas wanted to have their own tradition. The president at the time, Donald Cowan, said that he did not care what tradition they started as long as it was a unique one.

“You can celebrate Groundhog for all I care,” Cowan said.

And so a tradition was born.

In similar fashion, a new tradition will begin next year.

Last October, during the annual Charity Week fundraiser, the jail began a new “hands-off” policy, in which no one could be incarcerated by force.

Yet the policy change caused the already notoriously narcissistic students of UD to become even more self-centered. The only things they thought of all week were themselves and the loss of their beloved jail, rather than “the babies.” This clash of interests left the school administration with a problem. Finally, one administrator had a brilliant idea.

“Maybe we should call it ‘Me Week’ instead of Charity Week!” exclaimed the administrator.

This suggestion

met nearly universal acclaim. Shouts of joy could be heard from as far away as Fort Worth when the announcement was made. The staff of The University News, who were more obsessed with the jail policy changes than any other group on campus, were especially excited about this new week of self-preoccupation.

“It’s my new favorite holiday,” President Keefe admitted while polishing his portrait hanging in upstairs Haggar.

This week dedicated to self-absorption will include many fun and egotistical events. Instead of “Family Day,” “Me Week” will kick off with “Me Day” which will include “Me Time on the Mall.” The Mall will be turned into a temporary spa, at which students can focus on treating themselves as they check their Facebook profile or count their Instagram followers.

There will also be a “Best Selfie Competition,” instead of the usual “Rome Photo Contest.” The Office of Student Life asks that students please refrain from using filters.

Students will send “Me Cans” instead of “Crush Cans.” They are encouraged to write compliments to themselves along with the soda.

The Male Auction will continue on as normal.

“We figured it was already about guys getting to brag about themselves, so we decided to keep it,” explained a “Me Week” organizer.

As for the jail, a compromise was reached between students and administrators. The jail next year will be a room of mirrors.

“We figured we wouldn’t have to worry about having to use force if it was made of mirrors,” chucked an administrator. “I’m sure students will be thrilled to get into a jail like that.”

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