An exclusive interview with the Old Mill woods hobo




Charles Shaughnessy

Matt Damon Doppelganger





(Author note: said hobo is not part of the popular band, the “Stillwater Hobos”, or any other person at the University of Dallas that may have lived in/spent an excessive amount of time in the Old Mill woods/does not understand the concept of shoes/just generally seem to not have an established residence around these parts.)

Interviewer (Int): OK, so I know that most of the students here came to the area for the impressive architectural stylings of the UD campus, but what exactly brought you here?

Unnamed hobo comes all the way from new York City. He will join UD as a student next year thanks to the generosity of the financial aid office. – Photo courtesy of

: Well it all started with, well maybe I should start by saying, ok I’ll be straight with you. My 40 fell off the train and I had to go after it. It just happened to roll off just to the north of these here woods and so I wandered on down.

Int: Actually come to think of it, you have a lot in common with some of the people I could name in this school I guess. But anyway, why did you choose to stay here besides your 40?

Hobo: Well what initially attracted me was the super low prices at the convenience store here. I have never seen such great prices all across the United States. What got me after that was the fast and affordable access to downtown Dallas on the DART rail system. A man really needs a good way to get to where the pigeons are so I can scream at them and people will give me money to go away.

Int: Makes a lot of sense to me from a financial point of view, but what about the social life around here? I hear a lot of kids around the school describe it as kind of closed off from the world.

Hobo: Well, them darn kids don’t know what closed off is! I spent hard time up in the New York pen and that is closed off. I personally think that the social life around here is great. Every Friday and Saturday night people are out having a great time here in the woods with me, though come to think of it they never really seem to talk to me, and I think it’s awesome because they always leave half empty booze laying around. I roll out bright and early afterwards, dump all the booze into my handy dandy canteen and then I’m set for like half the week.

Int: I’m sure that the students here will be very glad to hear that they are doing you a service. But on a more practical note, how do you find the cooking facilities here? The New/West/Kanye Hall residents sometimes find the amount of cooking going on excessive for their tastes. Do you feel the same way?

Hobo: Well it’s actually really nice for a man in my situation to find all the free food around campus. For some reason the dumpster by the cafeteria always has like complete meals thrown away at one spot and I love it. Also there are so many events on campus with healthy options for food it is rare that I have to resort to the ol’ tin can on a fire option.

Int: So do you have plans to stick around much longer? I know you would be an asset to the diversity of the campus.

Hobo: Well I really have been giving it some thought and I decided to apply to be a student next year because of the great help the Office of Personal and Career Development gives to graduates of this university.

Int: Really? Have you gotten a response yet?

Hobo: I got in! The financial aid office really seems to want to help make this school affordable for me too so I can get my degree without taking out loans. I’m also looking at joining an athletic team because I hear that is the best way to meet and become friends with a lot of people around campus and not get stuck in a clique. I also don’t think I want to go to Rome. I didn’t think it was that great when I rolled through there last year. Looked just like the rest of Texas.

Int: Well I, for one, am really excited to see you around as part of the campus community next year. I wish you the best in your scholastic career.


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