Hunter Johnson, The King in the North
Sundays are always good days for secession. Sunday is, after all, the Lord’s Day, and the absence of lightning and hellfire striking down the secessionists would imply divine blessing. It is also a general day of rest, so families can gather ’round and communities can come together to celebrate their recent liberation from whatever form of tyranny they have been suffering.
This sort of jubilation occurred just across the street from our own University of Dallas this past Sunday. Just as dawn broke, the Stars and Stripes were ceremoniously taken down from above the Tower Village apartment complex (better known as Old Mill), and a new banner — featuring a flaming dumpster on a field of pale blue — was hoisted in its place. In case you weren’t there for some reason and do not know what happened, Old Mill effectively seceded from Irving, from Texas and from these United States of America.
The Council of Governance, Old Mill’s new governing body, explained the reasoning behind the secession: What with the open mockery and derision of the complex by the community at large, the council felt that it was time to show the world the true potential of Old Mill. Secession grants the residents of the complex the freedom to take Tower Village in whatever direction they want — a direction that will eventually lead the apartments to ultimate glory.
Residents of the complex have already proven that the recent decision to secede, albeit unexpected, is neither unorganized nor foolish. Given that the now-sovereign territory lacked vital natural resources beyond a pristine, natural lake and some stray feline friends, a shock-team of apartment dwellers moved to remedy this situation. This crack squad, armed to the teeth with beer bottles and sticks formerly belonging to the UD men’s lacrosse team, struck in the wee hours of Monday morning and annexed the grounds on which the PDK gas station and food mart is located. Rather than fight these world-class troopers, Raj Luthra welcomed them with open arms. He is now the secretary of agriculture and commerce for the fledgling democracy.
As should be obvious, most governments are neither excited nor pleased when they hear that parts of their countries have seceded. Looking at our government, though, anger is not exactly what you’ll find. The mayor of Irving seemed relieved at the loss of the territory, stating that the “blight on our growing and prosperous community is no longer our problem.”
Texas Governor Rick Perry, upon hearing the news from a member of the press as he walked to his office, lit up and explained how the “brave citizens” of Old Mill were a beacon of hope and inspiration to Americans everywhere feeling “smothered and oppressed by big government and the Washington establishment.” When informed that this meant that the residential area was also seceding from Texas by default, a flummoxed Perry turned away and continued to his office.
In a Washington press conference, President Barack Obama said that he “had bigger fish to fry” with the Crimean crisis and legal battles over his domestic agenda. But he did warn the residents of Old Mill of the dire consequences they would face if they did not return peacefully to the fold.
“The American government will have no choice but to say harsh yet polite things about your leadership,” he said. “State officials will not go to any of your parties, and should you continue to act out-of-sync with the rest of the international community, we will have no choice but to sanction your leadership and revoke your access to Netflix as well as the insurance exchange provided by healthcare.gov. We will not stand idly by; rather, we will give you nasty, glaring looks.”
The nation of Old Mill is already receiving international recognition from such powers as Nicaragua, Chad and Laos. The Council has rejected a North Korean offer of military partnership. However, a similar offer was accepted from the Russian Federation, which eagerly recognized Old Mill and will soon be providing it with some recently confiscated, slightly used military equipment.
A decision is now before us at the University of Dallas. What will we do now? The condominiums next to Old Mill have resoundingly rejected a proposal to join the apartments in secession. As it is, the UD administration is already faced with the dilemma of whether to grant all students living in Old Mill some form of international student visa, a daunting task indeed.
I believe that it would be in UD’s interest to take things to the next level: We ought to follow Old Mill’s example and secede as well. Once we have done so, we should move to annex the condos with the nation of Old Mill and all its territories. Finally, we should send emissaries to the Vatican to plead for acceptance as a new papal state. This way, the visa problem is solved; we no longer have to worry about the healthcare law; Old Millers don’t have to make treaties with the shady Russians; and our cash-strapped university can directly tap into those deep Vatican coffers. Plus, the United States would never declare war on Papa Francesco (I mean really, now). It’s the perfect way to advance our under-recognized little school.
Viva la revolución!