Forgive the unconventional introduction. This is, of course, technically a letter to the editor, but I’ve always found that title misleading and a bit silly, to be honest. I mean, letters to the editor are never really to the editor, are they?
In any event, I wanted to introduce myself: I am the real mastermind behind the production of the April Fools’ edition of the newspaper, not Christian Howard, as she would have you believe. That’s right: she. I, too, was once surprised to learn that Miss Howard is, in fact, a female. (Though I must say, publication of this information may prevent the following witty exchange: “Oh! I didn’t realize you were a girl! My son is named Christian.” – “Er, thanks?” Absolutely brilliant comeback, Miss Howard. I never cease to be amazed by your cleverness.)
Given Miss Howard’s obvious lack of humor (seriously, she thought that it would be funny to parody The Waste Land in her letter from the editor. Esoteric? Yes. Humorous? Well, if you’re among the .002 percent of the driest people on Earth, maybe), I have generously volunteered my – I confess – extraordinary skills to produce this special edition of The University News.
And I must say, being in this position has taught me a few things. I’ve conveniently summarized them in what I’d like to call “The Editor’s Laws,” and I present them cum grano salis:
– Of the 24 hours that constitute Monday, you will be awake 27.
– If a reporter has forgotten to attend an event on Wednesday, he or she will also forget to tell you about it until Monday.
– When you call someone on Monday to verify information in a story, your phone will die. When you call him using someone else’s phone, you will learn that your contact’s number has been disconnected.
– If you have finished formatting the newspaper by midnight, you will have invariably overlooked three pages.
– If you have comps on Monday, a dean will leave on Sunday.
– If you don’t have comps on Monday, a dean will leave on Sunday anyway.
– All of your friends’ birthdays fall on Mondays.
– If you survive Monday, you will fail your exams on Tuesday.
With these laws in mind, I will defy convention in order to directly address the editor: Miss Howard, don’t despair! Scientists have recently proven that Mondays constitute only 14.29 percent of the week. Thank God.
And finally, Miss Howard, let me urge you to get some sleep. You feel tired.
This submission was submissively submitted by the submissive Superego of Christian Howard.