Thu. May 19th, 2022

David Ringwald
Bacon Fetishist

---------------------Photo courtesy of PETA--------------------- This piglet, Sweetie, was consumed voraciously by Mr. Ringwald not long after writing his article (about three seconds afterward, to be exact).

After His resurrection, the Lord gave St. Peter a vision of all sorts of delicious animals, commanding him, “Get up, Peter, slaughter, and eat” (Acts 10:13). Thus, in His infinite goodness and wisdom, knowing no Easter people could be complete without it, the Lord gave man bacon. Now, we stand at the threshold of a new millennium, a bright and shining future, a brave new world: a world where man’s God-given intellect has advanced society so far that the flavor sensation of a glorious meat that our nascent church so graciously enjoyed can pervade every corner of the dated hodgepodge of American cuisine.

Unfortunately, ingratitude is a long-loved sin of man – ingratitude and hypocrisy. For years we gladly feasted on the flavor of inferior additives: vanilla, orange, cherry, and that most base taste of all, coffee, bitter and black. We’ve introduced them to beverages, cookies and cakes, ice cream and gelato, breakfast, lunch and dinner. But when, through the hard labor of honest men, society can finally enjoy a bacon milkshake, bacon sundaes, bacon chocolate or bacon popcorn, or enhance their food with bacon mayonnaise or bacon salt, or unwind with bacon beer or maybe a bacon cocktail thanks to the genius creation of Bakon Vodka, such men are not honored or praised, but vilified for their creation!

Society thinks it has done some great thing in launching this holy war against bacon, but these impious men are so blinded by their hubris that they war against God Himself! They cling to their old ways of eating, and insist that everyone do the same! The world is leaping headlong from a bronze age to a bacon age, but these wretches would have us fall short of the utopia that awaits us.

I will be your prophet! Hear the command of the Lord! “What God has made clean, you are not to call profane” (Acts 10:15). Certainly, to the one who turns from bacon’s free joy, no future can exist. The world will enter into a glorious baconny wedding banquet, and that man will fume behind closed gates, where there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. The bones of the wicked will soon creak under the strain of old age, while mine (on their joints) shall glide, ever youthful, as the years of grease build up in my arteries, ensuring I leave this world a well-oiled machine!

To my bacon-less peers, I urge you, in love, to give up your mad rebellion. Bacon is good and merciful to those who love it, but patience has its limits. It is only a matter of time before we move from bacon-based foods to bacon-based governments and bacon-based life forms: a new world order of bacon, by which our only means of survival will be to welcome our new, hickory-smoked overlords.

Resistance is futile. Submission is delicious!

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