My fellow students, I write to you today on behalf of something all of us, both as Americans and independent thinkers, hold dear: freedom. Now, we all know University of Dallas has its strange cults: JPo, frisbee, science majors, etc., but a new cult, the cult of “In-N-Out,” is slowing taking shape in our beloved bubble. It is but one move in an intricate plan for the state of California to take over the Land of the Free. Might I remind you of the vicious earthquake that California sent to Virginia, my home state, just a month ago? I had almost recovered from the shock when I discovered that in my absence, advocates of California built (with palm trees! The audacity!) an In-N-Out on MacArthur. Why this attack on the East Coast?
The new In-N-Out stands across from Five Guys, the official burger of the Washington Metropolitan area. Five Guys was born of humble beginnings by Jerry Murrell and his four sons in Arlington, Virginia, where many of our honored heroes are laid to rest. When I was just a boy, my mom first took me to Five Guys after school, and it was then that I first experienced true love. Their burgers are made with your choice of dozens of toppings and come wrapped in an unpretentious sheet of foil. When you order fries, not only will you get a cup of freshly fried potatoes, but they’ll also pour another heaping scoop of fries and love in your bag. Five Guys, as evidenced by their generous policy on fries and by their name itself, begs its customers to sit and stay and enjoy the company of their friends, the same custom many of us once enjoyed, overlooking the vineyards of Due Santi, eating pasta made by our beloved mensa ladies after a long morning of classes.
Compare, my friends, this practice to that of In-N-Out. Though perhaps that title would be misleading, as I’ve often heard stories of three-hour lines in front of that restaurant. (The only other stores I know with such lines belong to that cult of cults: Apple.) While Five Guys hides nothing, leaving their kitchen in plain view of all, In-N-Out hides their burger making process and utilizes a ‘secret’ sauce; what is there to hide?
My classmates, I hope if any of your friends should stray to that place – though I’m sure no true Texan would dare to leave their Whataburger – that you’ll take this article to heart and cross the street to Five Guys. And if anyone says to you, “it’s more expensive,” look them in the eye and tell them this: “You can’t put a price on freedom.”