It was just a normal day at the University of Dallas, when suddenly, it happened.
Like Archimedes in his bathtub, freshman Nim Lousy had a thought — a very independent thought.
Like all opinions, Lousy’s did not please all UD students, a group of whom consider independent thought dangerous to the axiomatic dogma held so very dearly and tightly within the UD Bubble.
“Unfortunately, the volatile masses came with their torches,” Lousy said. “They came with their pitchforks.”
Despite being students at the “Catholic University for Independent Thinkers,” this faction of independent thinkers did not appreciate Lousy’s independent thought.
In and out of buildings, Lousy fled, but the mob eventually seized him.
“Nearing the safety of my dorm room, I thought I could get away, but my legs just couldn’t carry me any longer,” Lousy said.
“All throughout campus, they carried me, shouting ‘Make UD great again!’”
This was just the beginning of a cataclysmic, life-altering series of events that Lousy believes will alter the course of UD history forever.
“Inside a dark building I was unfamiliar with, they brought me to their leader while chanting, ‘Burn the witches! Burn the witches!” ’ Lousy said.
In a stagnant, concrete room, Lousy was placed on a stool with a cone on his head that read, “Heretic.”
Scared from his rather stressful evening, he finally managed to look at his adversary.
“Really, this cone of shame suits you, young heretic,” the leader said. “Also, call me the Inquisitor.”
Eager to explain his attire, which Lousy said he believed the chants from earlier were referencing, he thanked the Inquisitor.
“As always, I told him that I’m used to getting compliments for my red, ‘Make America Great Britain Again’ cap,” Lousy said.
Lousy said that the conversation continued from there and that the Inquisitor made it known that he had been watching Lousy for quite some time.
“I asked who he really was and for the first time he used the word, that scandalous word: IllUDinati,” Lousy said.
The IllUDinati, according to the Inquisitor, is a secret society that runs UD.
The destruction of Lynch Auditorium and the drama building was said to be done after their bidding.
“We have to dispel this notion that Aramark runs UD,” Lousy said, “After my experience that night, I’ve realized it’s the IllUDinati who are in charge. I think they even run Aramark, who I thought from personal experience couldn’t be bought, based on the number of times I’ve begged for chicken wings and a third chicken-fried steak.”
Lousy then asked about the IllUDinati’s long-term plans for UD.
Next on the list, the Inquisitor said, is banning all transfer students and sending them back to their colleges of origin and disallowing any science majors from matriculating.
Once they are all out, the school will build a wall enveloping the entire campus.
“We’re gonna build a wall — and nobody builds better walls than us, believe me — and we’ll build it inexpensively,” the Inquisitor said. “I will build a great wall, a beautiful wall. And SMU will pay for it. They’ll be begging to pay for it when I’m through with them. Mark my words.”
Southern Methodist University (SMU) commented that under no circumstances would they pay for the wall.
Nevertheless, the IllUDinati remained resolute in their xenophobic — er, aggressive — nationalism.
“The wall just got ten feet higher,” an IllUDinati representative said. “UD just doesn’t win anymore. We have to dispel this notion that the administration doesn’t know what they are doing. They know exactly what they’re doing. They’re systematically making us like every other university. We don’t want to be like everyone else.”
On their planned wall, they will post signs that read, “Independent thinkers need not apply.”
Then, Lousy said, the conversation ended just as soon as it started.
He blacked out and woke up in his dorm bed, but he said he remembered everything vividly.
Lousy felt the need to share the truth of his experience before going into hiding on Tatooine, aware that the IllUDinati will not look kindly on being exposed.
Lousy, however, had one final warning.
“Make no mistake: the IllUDinati’s members are employees, students and professors,” Lousy said. “They are among us, sharing our classrooms, our bathrooms and our dorm rooms. We have to dispel this notion that the IllUDinati aren’t real. They are real. They are here. They are speaking to us. And they will be heard. They are watching.”
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.