It’s that time again, University of Dallas, when the various females around campus begin filling out brackets and placing bets on who will be the next “ring-by-spring.” For couples, this is a time of no amount of little angst, for UD weddings are legendary in the numbers of attendance, and the initial cost projections for such an event can be just a little bit over the bride’s and the groom’s combined student loans.
However, this does not need to be the case. Before giving up on your relationship due to costs and taking religious vows instead, take a moment to look at these suggestions for expert advice on how to “Have Your UD Wedding for $50 or Less.”
1. Celebrant – Go to one of our ordained faculty during their office hours for the ceremony. The constant and extensive queues that are always outside these offices will ensure that whenever you go, you will have witnesses.
2. Ring – Use a rosary ring. You can get a pack of 25 for relatively cheap.
3. Wedding Dress – Borrow a lab coat and belt it. Preferably not from the chemistry lab so that you avoid releasing radioactive material onto the campus.
4. Honeymoon – Stay at a beautiful villa, right outside of the Eternal City with a vineyard and olive grove. Live-in tour guides (who hold the highest degrees in their fields of history, art, theology and philosophy) will take you on regular expeditions into Rome, and when you return, the on-site Italian chefs will serve you a dinner on the lawn looking at the sunset over the (really far away but the Rome Staff said you could see it so it must be there) Mediterranean Sea. If you are not a sophomore and can’t make use of your Rome Semester as the ultimate honeymoon destination, there is a nice patch off the highway by Las Colinas.
5. Catering – Theme your wedding toward an event on campus that is giving away free food. The Alexander Hamilton Society is the campus leader in quality event refreshments and, let’s be honest, what little girl doesn’t grow up dreaming about a constitution-themed wedding?
6. Flowers – Pick tons and tons of bluebonnets (especially from public land) to decorate your tables. Southern hospitality is nowhere better displayed than in the happy faces of Texans as they watch people tear up their state flowers and walk away leaving splotches of devastated bluebonnet fields.
7. Bridesmaid Dresses – Have all the wedding party wear matching club t-shirts. We all know that all of your friends have Crusaders for Life t-shirts.
8. Alcohol – Have a dry wedding. (That was a joke.)
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.