Attracting men to English

Elizabeth Mitch, The Riveter

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The English Department wants you, men, to declare yourself an English major. Photo by Anthony Garnier.

Male English majors are becoming a rare commodity at the University of Dallas to the alarm of the faculty and staff. As a result, the university faculty held a meeting to discuss the possible reasons for this impending issue.

Are the men on campus afraid of the stigma that English majors do not make the dough for their future Ferraris? Or are they simply afraid that becoming an English major entails gaining a pasty-white complexion, giant glasses and a hunched back from carrying a portable library?

Whatever these issues may be to the minds of UD’s men, the school is planning to launch an intensive campaign to woo boys into the English department starting in the fall of 2016.

Though the English professors are not looking forward to the impending load of essays to grade, the diverse perspectives to come are encouraging.

For the first week of class, Literary Tradition’s professors will give extra credit in their classes to students who attend viewings of “Dead Poet’s Society,” with the quiet goal of inspiring the male students.

The faculty will also talk up the English Department staff. The male English professors will be called “the cool guys on campus,” being the only adults that can acceptably sport Tolkien merchandise or smoke a pipe while teaching. The staff is making an effort to connect with the students, particularly the men, realizing that the lofty ideals of the human soul have to be presented in bite-size portions to the Philistine freshmen.

However, the faculty knows that the best way to attract men is, well, by women – something English classes certainly don’t lack.

Beautiful and independent women populate both books of literature and the desks of English classes, so UD has decided to take advantage of the female mystique to drag men into English.

Course packets for incoming prospective students will include propaganda for various majors, with a prominently placed English poster. The poster displays a beautiful girl reading a book in the library, with the caption “In English, there’s a Belle for any Beast.” The ad also mentions  two new English courses that are part of this campaign.

One new course, “The Female in Fiction,” is being offered as an elective. This class will analyze female authors, particularly those that write in first person, to gain an insight into the mind of women. Wiser to the ways of women, the men attending this class may be the first to attain girlfriends, thus attracting later English class attendees in droves.

The other course is entitled “Fictitious Male Heroes,” but might as well be called, “Why you’re not Mr. Darcy, and just forget about being Hektor.” The course will analyze the best examples of manhood throughout all of human literature and silently hopes to inspire men to become the next Scarlet Pimpernel or High King Peter Pevensie.

Becoming an English major will also include new perks. The two study rooms on the third floor of the library are being transformed in honor of the English majors’ patronage in the Library. They will transform into “English Man Caves,” outfitted with tall red armchairs, cases of bourbon and pipe tobacco.

A few other great perks for English Majors will include a separate “high priority” line in the Cap Bar, and special discounts on books, because the bookstore knows that English majors do not want to sell them back.

Being a male English major will also allow you to participate in events such as Grow Lord Byron’s Moustache, Impersonate Sherlock Holmes Day and the Huckleberry Finn Pool-Rafting Contest. The hijinks that ensue will make entertaining stories for the new male English major news reporters to write about.

While the English major guys may be hard to find now, coming this fall, there will be no shortage. The Cap Bar is expected to burst at the seams with new flannel-wearing English major men. Baristas will be on the watch for impromptu poetry slams, heated debates over Dickens’ characters and possible coffee-throwing when an economics major insults their athletic potential.

Keep your eyes open for the upcoming changes in the English Department because you might just switch your major.

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.

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