A defense of the women’s athletic programs

Anna MacDonald, Proud Mother of 17

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Members of the women’s lacrosse team gather and kneel as they say their traditional pre-game prayers for their future spouses. University of Dallas photo.

Since the University of Dallas was first instituted in 1956, there has been a strong tradition of women’s sports being put on the backburner. This is the case because women’s sports are slow paced, boring to watch, and lacking in the entertainment value that male sports have to offer.

Sophomore English major Paul Abide supports this statement.

“Cheering on a women’s basketball game at UD has the same entertainment value as watching grey paint dry on an old wall,” Abide said.

Many question why UD even has women’s sports in the first place. Recently there has been a flurry of complaints from parents petitioning the school to lengthen the skirts on the women’s lacrosse team.

According to the administration, the only reason that UD has a women’s athletics program is because of NCAA regulations under Title IX.

President Keefe released a statement on the topic, “It is an overstepping of the NCAA’s boundaries to insist that our school have an equal amount of women’s sports as men’s sports teams.”

Instead, the administration believes the school’s athletics department should more accurately reflect traditional gender roles.

However, many students and coaches at UD defend the women’s athletic programs enthusiastically. Men’s lacrosse coach Keith Lindgren understands the importance of the women’s athletics programs as fundamental to the recruitment process.

“The women’s sports teams are essential to recruiting male athletes,” Lindgren said.

Everyone knows that sports at UD are pretty segregated from the rest of the student body and athletes don’t have the opportunity to mingle with other students, often missing major campus events such as Groundhog and spring formal. Male athletes don’t want to come to a school where they won’t have the opportunity to be with girls.”

As senior Mike DiLucca noted, “The women’s teams are basically cheerleaders for the men’s teams.”

Male athletes are more likely to perform at a higher standard if there are women cheering them on, so the women’s teams definitely have a place at UD.

Obviously, when it comes to athletics at UD, the focus is on guy’s sports. As the women’s lacrosse team captain Haley Rodgers explained.

“Many people ask why women’s lacrosse doesn’t have protective gear like men’s lacrosse,” Rodgers said. “Helmets and other guards are expensive, and the funds need to be channeled to the more important sports team.”

Women’s coaches at UD have been known to tell girls not to spend too much time in the weight room.

“It is more important to look toned than to perform well athletically,” Dr. David Upham writes in his new book “Getting Hitched: Rediscovering the Basic Truths of Mutual Attraction.” “Guys tend to be attracted to a woman’s feminine looks rather than her athletic prowess.”

“Obviously the only reason women come to a Catholic college is to meet and marry a nice, Catholic boy from an affluent background, who hopefully intends to either go into law or medicine,” women’s soccer coach Angelina Dane said. “It’s important for coaches to remember to keep the women’s priorities in order. Attracting these types of men comes first, then the actual sport they’ve chosen to play.”

UD’s frankness about its women’s athletic department is refreshing amidst today’s popular culture, rank with political correctness. As United States presidential hopeful Donald Trump has said, “I’m so tired of this politically correct crap.”

It seems that the University of Dallas is on the same page when it comes to its women’s athletics programs.

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.

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