HHHHHAAAAA hA Ha ha HA ha! Hello all you crater-faced college-goers!! Your favorite pal Uncle Joker is back to twist the verbal knife in old Batsy’s gut, and to do that, I thought to myself: “Why not rip into the Bat’s latest big screen blowout?”
He and lots of his little cape and costume pals are in it … except for me! Honestly, whom do I have to kill to get some screen time around here?? Heath Ledger? Oh, wait …
… Hm? The usual writer? Oh, I’m sure he’s around here, and there, and a little over there — or was that someone else and I left the guy hanging over an alligator pit? Anyways, let’s get started and see if “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” bombs bigger than I do in a crowded shopping center on a holiday.
To start, this movie is more mixed-up than my psyche. A lot of the problems that plagued the Boy In Blue’s last cinematic experience show up here too, in the plot and production (OOH! Double Trouble, how delightful!). Apparently, the first time Supes tried to save the world, a lot of people weren’t happy over a little “property damage,” and the masses seem split down the middle on the popularity issue. Me? Pah, so he destroyed a few buildings and caused a rise in Medicare, hardly worth bragging about if you ask me.
So Supes contends with a divided populace, government shenanigans and, my personal favorites in the movie, a crazy bat in Gotham and a not-so-stable Luthor. Oh, Luthor! It was like he was trying to form a long-distance bromance with me. That Eisenberg fellow sure worked out for him. And he’s certainly on his way to becoming a proper psychopath – bombings, kidnappings, Dr. Frankenstein copyright infringement, a great first start!!
And, as for Batman … Oh, have I got some things to say about him! For one thing, HE’S NOT BATMAN! Sure, Affleck does a terrific job with whatever secondhand role they gave him, but it’s not MY Bats!! GUNS?! Since when does Batman use guns?! And have weird sequel-begging dreams? Bah!! Makes me wanna kill Robin all over again. And I’m not even in it! All I got was a spray-painted reference. The trailer for “Suicide Squad” had more of me than this movie. That reminds me, I need to have a “talk” with my agent…
One good thing I can say is, in this movie the visuals and action scenes are GLORIOUS!! Massive mayhem and destruction on a scale I WISH I could accomplish. A nuke gets fired in the movie. A nuke! I’d sell someone’s kidney for a nuke. So yes, the film’s story is a little nutty (like me) and the action is beautiful, so I can see some delicious conflicts from nerds on their stances with the movie even though the critics seem to think this was the worst thing on screen since the last explosion montage Michael Bay put up.
My recommendation? Go see it for yourself, and then fight whomever disagrees with you TO THE DEATH!! Make your Uncle Jokey proud! Whoops! I hear sirens … see you next time, kiddies!! HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.