At my high school graduation party, I remember talking to my uncle about my future plans.
“I’m going to college at the University of Dallas,” I said. My uncle replied excitedly about the awesome experience of attending a big public state school, all the wild parties he went to during his time at college and about how great it is to always see new faces, etc.
It was then that I realized the horrible mistake I had made. It’s not that I don’t like UD — quite the contrary. But after seeing my uncle’s face as I corrected him, saying that, in fact, the University of Dallas is a small, Catholic, liberal arts college, I understood for the first time that the name of my school was terribly politically incorrect.
The foremost problem with the name of this school is the location that it claims to be a part of. Many of you have probably gone into Dallas to eat or watch a movie. But did you know that the University of Dallas is actually located in Irving, Texas? I mean, we might as well call it the University of Boise or Timbuktu College.
For a school such as UD, founded on the principles of truth, to have such a massive lie at its core is a travesty. Every time I am asked for my address, I become so overwhelmed by embarrassment that I am often forced to pretend that I do not speak English. It is a horrible feeling, like a bird locked within a cage of emotion and falsity.
The only way to truly solve this problem is to change either the name or the physical location of this school. Because I feel that an alternate location may be difficult to provide, I would suggest a name that better reflects the character of this school.
Of course, “University of Irving” is not enough, for even then we all would be left with having to explain that it is a Catholic school and centered on the liberal arts. Therefore, the only feasible solution would be to call it the Small Catholic Liberal Arts University Located in Irving, Texas (SCLAULIT).
But, of course, any suggestion of changing the name of UD will be like jumping through many hoops.
I feel that one reasonable compromise would be to simply add “Trigger Warning” before every usage of the name of our school in official documents. Thus, “University of Dallas” would become “Trigger Warning: University of Dallas.” This way, all persons may be warned that what follows is intensely politically incorrect so that anyone who, like myself, would be offended by such an untruth can leave the room.
In addition to this, it is of the utmost importance that all students at SCLAULIT practice what is known as “checking their privileges.” Attending SCLAULIT is a privilege in itself, and when students reference their education at “UD,” that privilege can show through, causing many to feel uncomfortable.
In the words of one of our founding fathers, James Madison: “This nation is founded on a system of checks and balances so that each person may check their privilege.”
In conclusion, I feel that it is the duty of the student body to call for this most necessary change in order to uphold the integrity of our fine institution. With hope, the future of Trigger Warning: University of Dallas may be bright once again!
Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are fictitious in nature.