Baseball umpires: who really needs ’em anyway?

Jakob Pierce, Professional Slacker

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Although they were disgruntled, the Austin College baseball team would not let the umpire shortage disrupt their pre-game round of Duck Duck Goose. University of Dallas Photo.

Friday and Saturday’s games started off perfectly for the University of Dallas baseball team. Umpires did not show up for the games, but that did not stop the Crusaders. Assistant Coach Brandon Nolen said that he has laser-like vision, and that he should call the games since he can tell within a hundredth of an inch if a pitch hit the plate or not.

This suggestion did not sit too well with senior pitcher Brian Donley.

“When you throw as hard as I do, and with as many pitches — The Eliminator, Terminator, The Whoops-a-Daisy, Rusty Hook, Ephis, Circle Change, Spit Ball, Vaseline Special, Snot Rocket, Power Curve, Curveball, Spike Knuckle Curveball, Slider, Palm Ball, Fuego, Four Seam Fastball and Two Seam Fastball — a hundredth of an inch is not close enough,” Donley said. “Listen, if the guy had the eyes of an eagle, that would be another thing, but most umpires have robot precision. That’s what I need from an umpire, especially with my skill set.”

Nevertheless, the lack of umpires did not stop the Crusaders from prevailing this weekend. The boys swept Austin College this weekend, winning the first game 9-1, the second game 4-1, and the third game 3-2. This is huge for the boys, who have been in a bit of a slump recently.

Luciano Villanueva, senior pitcher and bench cheerleader, commented on the team getting out of the slump:

“Well, I was searching for answers, so I had a chat with my pup, Nacho, and he told me, ‘You just gotta show ’em your paws, but you have to also show them that you’re not afraid to use them, too.’ This gave me real inspiration because I realized that I know we have everything a baseball team needs, but we haven’t showed the other teams that we’re top dogs,” Villanueva said. “We just needed to show who the alpha is … Err … show that we have the biggest paws, I guess.”

This weekend’s games were a couple of great victories for the Crusaders, who, hopefully, can keep up the momentum in the coming weeks. As always, you stay classy UD and keep on supporting the baseball team!

Disclaimer: This is the April Fools’ edition of the paper. All stories are ficticious in nature.

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