By Zach Clark & Clare Myers
Co-presidents of the Silver Fox Fan Club
Ah, Rome, a place remembered with familiarity and fondness by a large number of those at the University of Dallas who have experienced a semester there. Just a few months ago, we Romers learned that the Eternal City was entering a time of distress. The Islamic State (ISIS) vowed to attack Italy, implying that Rome — and the Vatican, the center of Roman Catholicism and a symbol of Western Christianity — would be the next city to face a terror attack.
The UD Rome campus erupted in a panic, and across the Atlantic, the Irving campus felt the shock waves. Who could we turn to in such a crisis to save our beloved Italian home-away-from-home? Does such a hero exist at all? The answer, of course, came to us in the timeless and true saying, “When in Rome, do as Dr. Hatlie does.”
Yes, Hatlie. The Silver Fox himself, the life and breath of the Rome campus. To all of us who have experienced a semester in Due Santi and have had the opportunity to be students in his Western Civilization I class, the answer should have been obvious all along.
The solution quickly became clear. Our university could utilize this brilliant man of the world, with his wealth of talent and knowledge, as a key strategist and a leader in preventing ISIS from seizing the Italian capitol, thus protecting one of the greatest cities in the world.
Yes, Hatlie is the man for the job. Rumors are already circulating that this is one of the reasons that he was named director of the Rome program in the first place. He seems to be the perfect solution to Rome’s crisis for several reasons.
First, Hatlie is gifted with linguistic awesomeness. His ability to speak several languages will allow him to gather international support. According to sources on the Rome campus, he has already reached out to 27 nations outside of Italy and the Vatican. He has already received pledges of support from 29 countries, and even a letter of noncommittal encouragement from President Barack Obama.
Second, Hatlie holds a fantastic store of knowledge of world history, and can call to mind an enormous amount of information on ancient wars and battles at any given moment. With a photographic memory and — it is rumored — the ability to read minds, he will be able to anticipate any attacks before they happen.
Finally, Hatlie has a commanding, authoritative presence. Undercover investigative journalists writing from inside ISIS have reported that ISIS leaders are intimidated by the mere sight of Hatlie. Should the Rome director — or, rather, the leader of the first line of Roman defense — decide that the Eternal City will not be attacked, ISIS militants will back down.
So rest assured, UD. With Hatlie at the helm, the Eternal City will remain safe for generations of Romers to come.