Ding dong, The University News is dead

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By Emma Polefko

Chief of Campaigning /Champagne-ing

 

 

 

The University News will be discontinued due to inept readership. A far-fetched thought? Think again. Effective in two fortnights, the newsroom will be turning off the Macs, closing the newsroom door and ending the comments section on the online edition. Readership is down. Students are only taking the Whataburger coupons and even Raj has given up on getting the paper. All editors declined to comment anything more than, “It’s not like anyone reads the paper. Why would this quote make a difference?”

After a particularly arduous week, the writers formed a union, because they “can’t even.” The editors jumped ship to get $2 margaritas at Seven Salsas (because the wait time at Arturo’s was too long) and they never came back to send the paper to print. The print company called and called, but to no avail.

“It’s like they turned off their phones on purpose,” noted one printing company employee. “And what millennial does that?”

How long will it take students to realize the paper is even missing? Athletes certainly have not complained.

To be fair, the paper has not been distributed to the Maher Fitness Center in months. Often, you can find a newspaper around campus; however, finding one that has actually been opened is a much more difficult task. Rather, most copies have simply been turned over with the crossword puzzle nearly completed and the Sudoku puzzle filled with many, many eraser marks around it.

Even the online edition has seen falling readership. The decline was especially sharp after students lost interest in The Great Leggings Debate of 2013.

“Wait, there’s an online edition?” one freshman asked.

So I, the last reporter left, will conduct this trial, two fortnights in advance. You, the reader, have the power in your hands. Does the paper continue or do the staff lose their jobs? Does the news get reported or does the rumor mill overrun the university?

Let us start with how to read the paper. On Tuesday, the paper will be distributed. Walk up to the bin – it won’t bite – and pick up a paper. Find a nice place to sit and read. The Cap Bar is always a good choice. Then, look at the first page. Thumb through the paper. Note, we have news, arts and entertainment, commentary and sports sections.

Here’s the second paragraph. It’s the same as the first paragraph except it’s indented in the first line 1p6. The font style is Lucida Sans, size 10, regular, left justified.  Make sure there is one space between copy and a jump.

For those who are not aware, the purpose of a news story is to report the news from an unbiased standpoint. A reporter should give the facts and quote sources directly affected by the event, idea or movement. The news is current events. Commentary is an opinion of a current event, movement or “it thing” sweeping society. The writer should take a stand, have an opinion and clearly, confidently and respectfully present his ideas. Arts and entertainment and sports should be self-explanatory.

The paper is a place for ideas to be shared. Stay connected to the world around you. Help us save the paper.

On second thought, those of you actually reading this are most likely one of the three people on campus who do not need to be told to read it. So never mind. We’re doomed.

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