Maybe By Joe Hanretty
Not a Sports Nerd
Come 2016, the most watched game in American sports will not take place. Beloved NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has cancelled the Super Bowl, according to numerous sources. Ian Rapoport, an NFL insider, relayed information late Friday night March 27 pertaining to the mental battles the commissioner has experienced over the last few seasons. Of course, the question then becomes, what is at the root of all this? Why cancel the game?
“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Goodell said. “The whole situation is ridiculous. All these players getting into trouble before and during the season, people not following the rules and footballs being deflated. It’s just too much.”
Rapoport did not include any details about the commissioner’s mental condition, but many assume Goodell was on the verge of tears. One reporter at the press conference said he actually saw a single teardrop fall, but no other confirmation was available.
Rapoport questioned Goodell further about what most recent Super Bowl issues bothered the commissioner the most.
“So, was it Richard Sherman’s staring at the camera? Tom Brady clearly cursing? The reports about the deflated balls, or could it be the stress stemming from the memories of how terrible the halftime show was?” Rapoport asked.
Goodell seemed slightly relieved, perhaps because Rapoport mentioned all the problems the commissioner himself was thinking about.
“It really is all the above,” Goodell responded. “Mr. Sherman is too mean to people sometimes. He speaks so clearly and fiercely that I can’t watch too much. Mr. Brady is great at football, but he gets too intense and excited about the game, I don’t think he is attracting the right crowd for the league. Frankly, the underinflating of footballs is draining me. I have to talk about it so much I’ve been short of air at times. And, yes that halftime show with Katy Perry and her sharks capped off one of the worst football experiences I’ve ever been part of. The only positive was that it only lasted about 12 minutes or so.”
It is safe to say that the commissioner’s state of mind is unclear. The fact that the Super Bowl is getting canceled will be a huge disappointment for the fans, as well as a letdown for the TV ratings. To compensate for the lack of such a spectacle, Goodell has proposed an awards ceremony that would be akin to the Grammys. Superlatives such as “Most Handsome Fellow,” “Hardest Thrower,” “Biggest Hands” and “Coolest Hat Worn to a Postgame Conference” were some of the suggested honors.
How the public reacts to this news will be interesting, to say the least. Taking such a big event, a storied tradition no less, from the public is sure to be traumatizing. Goodell was on his way to being remembered as the man who messed up the Ray Rice case, but now it seems he will be known as the man who cried over deflated footballs and canceled the Super Bowl.