After the students’ recent lack of enthusiasm for Random Acts of Kindness Week, Dr. John Plotts, vice president of enrollment and student affairs, has decided to take a more severe approach to the social justice campaign. In order to get students to take the campaign more seriously, he has created the “Social Justice League,” alternatively known as “The Tower Rangers.”
The Social Justice League will be made up of well-known campus personnel, and its main goal will be to enforce social justice through any means necessary.
Super Dave, a campus safety officer who has been the only superhero on campus for years, was pleased to finally get the backup he needs.
He has been joined by Ms. Patti Light, President Thomas Keefe, Raj Luthra and an unnamed, costumed hero known only as “the Groundhog.” These five justice-enforcers will be seen wandering the Mall, hiding in library cubicles or rappelling from building to building, ever vigilant in their quest to stop community injustice.
“I’m glad to get some help,” said Super Dave. “The campus is so large; it’s hard for one man to do it on his own.”
Socially unjust crimes will include not holding doors open, refusing to write thank-you notes to friends and not thanking professors after class. Even if one does remember to do these things, one can still be punished if one does not immediately tweet about “passing it forward” using the hashtag #UDpif.
“At first I was supportive of the movement,” said junior Becca Hughes. “But then I got punished for not holding the door of the New Hall open when the person was still all the way up the hill!”
The heroes will assign whatever punishments and penalties they see fit.
“I was forced to have all my classes in Catherine,” lamented junior Laura Jauregui.
In another case, after a student won a Heisman trophy and forced the University of Dallas to take back its beloved slogan, the Groundhog made the athlete stare at UD art for hours on end. He has not been heard from since.
The Social Justice League has already gained an arch-nemesis: Father Robert Maguire, O. Cist. After forgetting to thank his students for coming to class, Maguire was sentenced to spend 24 hours locked in the top of the Tower, but he refused to go peacefully.
When Raj and Ms. Patty showed up to escort him to the Tower, he fought back so much that he had to be dragged there, kicking and screaming. Luckily, he was able to send his moth friends out to find an eagle, on whose back he escaped.
“I think this Social Justice League is exactly what UD needs,” said Keefe. “It will really help foster a stronger community of independent thinkers.”
Students should consider themselves warned. The League will be waiting behind every corner, looking for students refusing to be socially just. Next time students consider passing up “passing it forward,” they should remember that The League is always watching.