Football team preps for yet another season without any fans

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Kevin Key, Student-Athlete (he plays frisbee)

 

It’s that time of year again! The NFL Scouting Combine is over, and now we look forward to the pro draft. But unseen in the background, college football is still plugging along. The teams are in the midst of their off-season training, and scouts are scurrying across the country to nail down the best players in high school football with offers of scholarships and higher education.

The University of Dallas is no different. After going 6-6 last season, with all of the Crusaders’ wins coming from away games, the team looks to improve its home support. Football is the sport that unites college campuses, but UD once again seems to be the exception. Members of the student body do not seem to care at all about their very own football team and would rather read “The Iliad” and drink Cap bar drinks from mason jars than tailgate and cheer on their classmates on the team.

Captain and All-American quarterback Peyton Brady, frustrated by his laconic classmates, wishes some of his friends and fellow classmates would come out to support the team this fall for his last collegiate football season.

When asked for a comment, he told The University News, “I just don’t get it. Why does everyone want to read, like, books and stuff? I could really use some support. What’s this school even care about?”

Coach Paterno Landry says that if even a small part of the student body — like the classics majors, who understand nothing other than their pluperfects and participles — were to come out to home games for the Crusaders and join the Blue Crew, he believes that UD could make a run at a Bowl game.

As it is, the team is rather dyspeptic and does not expect much support from a school that seems to not even acknowledge its existence. And the team’s new motto “Strictly Business” is very indicative of its attitude and play style.

Photo courtesy of Mug of Strong Tea ‘Wayne Manor,’ the football team’s house, which is located in the middle of the PDK woods.
Photo courtesy of Mug of Strong Tea
‘Wayne Manor,’ the football team’s house, which is located in the middle of the PDK woods.

Traditionally, the team has performed well under pressure and never lost its cool. In fact, as indicated by its record, the team seems to play better in hostile lands at away games, surrounded by the opposition’s fans.

“We’re used to people disliking us. At least at away games, the people don’t heckle us for not finishing our Am Civ homework,” said star running back, Tyrone McGuire. The team is famed for never getting riled; the boys merely get down to business and play their game.

Thanks to anonymous donors, the unappreciated team now has indoor fields to practice on during the off-season, to stay out of the Texan heat. The facility was aptly named the “Bat Cave” due to its secretive nature.

The name goes along with the Batman theme that the team has been using for years. Back in 1957, a year after UD itself was officially founded, the football team was sanctioned by the NCAA. To celebrate, the football program bought the team a house which it promptly named “Wayne Manor.”

The school’s unwillingness to acknowledge such an excellent athletic program has bothered the team from its start, but players have made the best of it, acting as the school’s unseen superheroes.

Hopefully this article will increase awareness and appreciation of football on campus. And maybe next season we will see our shining blue Crusaders bring home some new metalwork for the trophy case.

 

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