UD men’s basketball wins the NCAA tournament, entire country’s brackets ruined

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Rachel Yuengert
Spoofs Editor

In a stunning turn of events, the University of Dallas basketball team overcame all odds to win the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship last night. While the lucky few whose brackets had survived intact thus far sank into a deep depression in front of their televisions, the Crusaders celebrated exuberantly in the middle of the court, hoisting the trophy above their heads.

Just a few days ago, the UD men were watching the March Madness games from the comfort of their own rooms like everyone else, but everything changed Saturday night with a call from the tournament organizers. One of the teams that was supposed to play in the national championship was unable to compete, for undisclosed reasons. Without an opponent, the final game could not take place, so the UD men’s basketball team was called upon to play in the biggest game of their lives.

“No competitive athlete would turn down a chance like that,” one of the players said. “You’d regret it the rest of your life.” Happily for the university, the Crusaders had no hesitation in joining the game, and their confidence paid off.

Everyone thought that the odds were completely against the UD men going into the game, but being the underdogs seemed to have a catalytic effect on the team’s offense. After falling behind in the first 10 minutes, the Crusaders rallied, took the lead and didn’t give it up the remainder of the game. As another player said, “They underestimated us at the beginning of the game, and we made them pay for it.”

An opposing player would not make an official comment, but was heard muttering to himself as he left the court; the only distinguishable words were “voodoo,” “not fair” and “mommy.”

The UD team is confident that this unprecedented event will have a hugely beneficial effect on the school’s basketball program. Already the athletics department is flooded with prospective players for next year. When asked about this, a player remarked that although “it is always great to have talented new recruits,” potential UD basketball players should think their decision through. After all, “They still have to survive the Core if they want to play at UD. And we all know not everyone can do it.” But who knows? Maybe the next big NBA star will come from UD.

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