UD hires Usain Bolt as assistant track coach

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Rachel Yuengert
Spoofs Editor

The University of Dallas athletics department announced earlier this week that they would be hiring a new member to the track and field coaching staff. Olympic gold-medalist Usain Bolt will be the new assistant track coach, starting immediately.

Bolt, who has won three Olympic and five World gold medals as a sprinter, will be helping UD’s sprinters this spring as they train for their first SCAC tournament in April. His experience will be sure to give the Crusaders an edge on their conference competitors.

A native of Jamaica, Bolt has been stunning crowds, winning races and setting records on the track since he was a young boy. He currently holds the world record in the 100-meter and the 200-meter dash with times of 9.58 seconds and 19.19 seconds, respectively. These records, set at the 2009 World Championships, both broke his own previous world-record times set at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

With all these achievements to his name, it’s no wonder that the sprint team is itching to begin training sessions with their new coach.

“Usain Bolt as our coach? Of course I’m freaking excited! He’s the fastest man in the world! When can we start training?” gushes an eager sprinter.

One teammate is slightly more practical. “This guy’s the best in the world, and you’ve gotta train like crazy to get to where he is. Do you have any idea how much our bodies are going to HATE us after these workouts?”

Even the distance runners feel they will be able to learn from Bolt, despite running different events. One athlete, who also runs cross-country, has this to say: “He may not know the best workouts for a distance runner, but he’s got to have an amazing work ethic and drive to win. And every runner needs that to succeed.”

Bolt was unavailable for comment, since he is balancing his new commitments at UD with his personal training regimen as he prepares for this summer’s Olympic games.

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