Social Prodigy, For-The-Win
It’s that season again – and what a beautiful season it is! Every morning I wake up to the sounds of birds cawing, sunlight stabbing my eyes and the prospect of another day of being trapped inside, suffering from hay fever and – my personal favorite – engaging in political discourse. I love talking about politics!
In fact, I love it so much that I will immediately jump into any conversation with a loud ad hominem. If you try that and it fails to turn the conversation in your favor, here are some more tips on talking about politics I’ve picked up at University of Dallas.
First, enter the room, your nose pointedly in the air. Assume that you are better looking, more informed and smarter than anyone in the immediate area. Remember, if you’ve ever watched C-SPAN, Fox News, the commercials on the Food Network or have even touched a newspaper, you are more than qualified to talk about politics.
Second, keep an ear out for anything remotely political: the words “primary,” “Ron Paul,” “November” or any mention of amphibians.
Third, run across the room to join said conversation. (Add five points if you use elbows.)
Fourth, launch into your opinions. 10 points if you don’t pause for breath, five points for talking over everyone, five more points if you sneer condescendingly.
Fifth, eventually someone will disagree with you and probably try to reply. This is perfect – let him argue his point so you can crush him. While he’s talking, make sure not to pay attention.
Sixth and most important of all, no matter what, never admit ignorance. Correct your opponent’s grammar, make wild accusations or attack his character. If you don’t understand what’s going on, just repeat your opinion at an increasingly loud volume until everyone else shuts up.
Congratulations! You’ve just won everyone over to your well-informed opinion! Notice people moving away from you and muttering? Don’t worry – they’re just admiring you. And those glances they’re shooting at you definitely aren’t murderous. Those girls in that corner? Totally checking you out. Go for it. I bet they’d love to hear a few more of your well-researched opinions. After all, you’ve thought about these things a lot and have years of professional experience.