The descent of marriage in society

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Ambrose Stearns
Marriage Counselor

In today’s world many people have forgotten the art of getting married.  Statistics show that the marriage rate is 6.8 per 1,000 total population. This is, in part, because there is extra-terrestrial activity influencing the statistics and that the planets are aligning, but statistics show that there is a deeper reason behind the drop-off in marriages.

The bottom line is that people just aren’t as cool anymore.  People aren’t satisfied with marrying a lame sauce, but there is no other sauce out there, and people don’t want to use ketchup.   Statistics have shown that most women are turned off from men who don’t have good pickup lines like, “Sorry I forgot your name, I was too busy thinking about you.” 79 percent of married couples of 20 years or more answered that their marriage started because of a good pickup line. 21 percent of single people say that they aren’t married because of a bad pickup line.

Another major contributing factor has been that men are getting flabbier; it’s becoming rarer and rarer to see a guy with great abs like Raphael Bernardo.  Statistics have shown a decrease amounting to, on average, three sit-ups per week less than in years past.  These statistics are frightening.  Some people are saying, “I cannot believe where our world is headed.”

Following in the footsteps of ancient Rome and modern day Minnesota, men are, practically speaking, becoming less handsome. (Note: Women are not following the same trend; they are still good-looking.)  The decline in the handsomeness of young adult males has correlated with the disappearance of online dating sites.

Online dating sites such as zebediastearns.com have been a major boost to marriages in times past, but their strange overnight disappearance on the night of March 31, 2012 has been one of the major contributors to falling marriage rates.

The recession probably has more to do with the decline of marriage than we think, because, let’s be honest, money matters.  People don’t want to get married if they don’t have any money.  That is why nobody who graduates from the University of Dallas ever gets married.  The more money you have, the more cool things you have, and statistics prove that the more cool things you have, the cooler you are.

This is related to the highly marketed scientific finding which states: “The more expensive your shoe, the faster you will run.” (On a related note, another great pickup line is: “Hey, I heard the cafeteria’s not open today; did you eat all the food?”)

Men aren’t willing to jump off of a cliff and die so that women will be impressed and fall in love with them.  A wise man once said, “Dudeman, wanna go climb the tower?”  That man is now world-famous and is the object of every woman’s eye.

The point is this: One day men have to be men.  Men have to stop whimpering politely at the feet of women, and take the initiative to retain their manhood regardless of the cost.

Every man can be a man and respect women at the same time; but that doesn’t mean that he has to let women direct him.  Every man is called to be a man no matter what kind of man he is.  Every man has to test his limits so that he knows what his limits are.  In the words of T. S. Eliot: “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.”  And if level 33 is as far as you can go, then something is wrong with you.

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