Seminarians rise to challenge of campus defense, receive crossbows

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Thomas Hood
Crazed Conspirator

In a response to the growing issue of campus invasion by demons, the Holy Trinity Seminary has volunteered its own seminarians to defend the university from further attacks, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“Our Campus Security officers do a great job keeping the university safe from conventional crime and danger, but now we’re dealing with a whole different animal, that is to say, demon,” Rev. Ronald Ramson said after the briefing held by the Holy Trinity Seminary on Thursday evening. Rumors of the seminarian volunteers receiving repeating crossbows were confirmed Friday morning, when, after morning prayer, the seminarians promptly went out to target practice. Sources confirm that the crossbows are in fact steel-cast, sniper-scope equipped, repeating crossbows, while the bolts are designed to burst into flame with holy justice when they come into contact with demonic forces.

The staff and faculty at Holy Trinity Seminary issued a public statement on Friday justifying their active role in the matter.

“We feel that we are the most spiritually equipped to deal with the threat of demonic possession and are on the whole more knowledgeable about the issue than other departments, such as Campus Ministry or CSO,” wrote the board that published the pamphlet, titled “Concerning the Recent $10,000 Order of Crossbows.”

Regarding the violent nature of the seminarians’ duty in light of the normally peaceful nature of the seminary, the board wrote, “We feel that pacifism only extends to human beings, and that in dealing with demonic powers, force and violence are not only the best, but  also the only appropriate, recourse.”

Responding to a small amount of controversy which has arisen over the use of crossbows as opposed to the oft-used crucifix-and-holy-water combination, Rev. James Oberle stated, “That combination works great with exorcisms, but when dealing with fast, mobile targets, they’re next to useless.”

The campus will now be patrolled at night by a rotating squad of four seminarians, while those not on watch in the seminary are required to sleep with their crossbows within arm’s reach.

“With Easter coming up soon, we should only be warding off the demons for another week, but the crossbows are a long-term investment to deal with demons in the future,” said Rev. Ramson.

Students are advised not to wander the campus to avoid demonic attack or overeager seminarians.

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