Vassal to RA Meaghan Colvin
It is a truth universally to be reckoned with that Hobbes was absolutely right. Without strong government, our solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short lives would be endured in a condition of war.
There is but one group of people who protect the rational and good world of the University of Dallas from the madness of the latter days of the French Revolution. These people are the Resident Assistants (RAs).
Although we desperately need our RAs, the student body treats them with a shocking level of disrespect. Since this discourtesy is simply intolerable at a haven of civilization like UD, the Office of Student Life (OSL) is considering several new plans to foster greater appreciation for the hard race of RAs.
Grace Gallaher, RA of Augustine Hall, plans to ensure loyalty through fear and displaced hatred. Sporting a new ivory leg and smoking a pipe (outdoors, of course), Gallaher described her plan.
“I call it the ‘get your monomania on,’” Gallaher said. In the first stage of her plan, Gallaher will adopt an aura of mystery. “It lets them know they should take me seriously,” she said.
In the second stage of her plan, Gallaher will give her residents a common enemy by turning their darkest passions towards the destruction of what Gallaher calls “the unnamable and wholly incomprehensible evil of the monstrosity next door.”
OSL funds will provide Augustine residents with all the harpoons and ropes necessary for this fruitless, monomaniacal obsession with destroying the New Residence Hall.
The “get your monomania on,” however well it might work in a small dorm like Augustine, might not be the best plan for the campus as a whole. But a better option remains: a return to traditional fealty.
“The major reason why residents disrespect the RAs is, simply put, because they lack personal loyalty to them,” New Hall RA Meaghan Colvin suggested.
“If residents felt for their RAs the loyalty of Wiglaf to Beowulf, or of Sam to Frodo, or even of Lancelot to Arthur (you know, from Arthur’s perspective) – then it would be their own love for the RAs that would inspire residents to both good behavior and common courtesy.”
At the start of each semester, residents will offer a personal oath of devoted service to their RA Liege Lords, who will in turn vow to care for their Resident Vassals.
UD will encourage this relationship between RAs and residents through two changes to the campus: The cafeteria will be closed, and a number of bears will be loosed upon the grounds.
This means that residents will serve their ring-giving RAs by farming for food, cleaning their dorms and compiling annotated bibliographies for them. The Liege Lords will justly distribute produce to their residents, give them gifts of gold, proofread essays about the Iliad and generally protect residents from all the bears.
“You can’t not respect and love an RA who’d fight a bear for you,” said New Hall RA Mark Kubisch.
If neither the “Monomania” nor the “Fealty” plans make students sufficiently enamored of their RAs, OSL has decided that it will disband the RA program altogether, and replace the RAs with Swiss Guard.