End the bacon insanity, an attack on food

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Nick Harmon
Pork Police

Delicious food is one of life’s greatest pleasures, but these days food is under attack by the mindless, uncreative exuberance of those who add bacon to literally everything they eat. This bacon-eating excess is a problem, and it must be restrained.

People have always loved bacon with eggs, or in a salad, or on a cheeseburger, or even all by itself.  And that’s wonderful.  I love the taste of bacon.  It’s deliciously salty and greasy. I would encourage people to eat it.  But today we have parted from bacon’s humble history of simple grease and saltiness and have inserted it into every dish imaginable.  With this invasion, all we really eat is bacon.

One Thanksgiving, a friend of mine put bacon in perfectly good mashed potatoes. The claim was that bacon improves everything.

That is a heresy. Bacon improves nothing.  When you put bacon in something, you are not complimenting the other flavors.  Rather, you are just making good food taste like bacon.  When I ate those mashed potatoes with my turkey and stuffing, I could hardly taste anything except bacon.  Turkey is wonderful all by itself.  You don’t need to make it taste like bacon.

And it doesn’t even stop there.  Lately we’ve seen people putting bacon in desserts: in donuts, and brownies, and chocolate bars.  Have people gone mad on this campus?  That is insane.  Bacon has NOTHING to offer chocolate.  It just replaces the chocolate taste with the bacon taste.  Why would someone replace the taste of chocolate?  Chocolate doesn’t need a pig to augment its perfection.

What’s next?  Will bacon stop at chocolate?  How about sundaes?  Are we so addicted to bacon that we can no longer enjoy sundaes, either?

In essence, bacon cannot and does not improve food like a seasoning does.  It does not baptize; it conquers.  Bacon tolerates no rivals.  If you’re craving a chocolate bar with bacon, just stuff your face with bacon.  Don’t ruin the chocolate.

There is a proper place for bacon’s conquering passion, just like there is a proper place for anger.  We call it righteous anger, so I’ll admit there can be righteous bacon.

A generation ago, people ate liver because they thought it was healthy.  How did they put up with the god-awful taste of liver?  They added bacon, which took the taste of liver by the throat and strangled it, and then tore it limb by limb and threw it in a dumpster.  That is an appropriate way to treat something as evil as liver, but bacon is a ruthless mercenary who does not discriminate between good and evil.  When let loose, bacon ravages innocent spaghetti just as it does liver.

So leave bacon where it belongs.  You don’t need it in everything you eat.  If you can’t control yourself, bacon will control you. It will deprive you of the joy that comes with eating a chocolate bar, or a brownie or Thanksgiving dinner.  So practice a little temperance and resist this bacon insanity.

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