When first asked to explain the inner workings of the job of a mafioso, my initial reaction was: “I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”
But I have since reconsidered; I may be an up-and-coming mob boss, but I am first and foremost an incurable showman and storyteller, and I found that I could not pass over this opportunity to lighten up a commentary section, which has been rather ponderous as of late. I am sure that the common man would rather read about my life of crime than about the metaphysics of smoking on campus or another interpretation of that Cave Allegory. And so, against my better judgment, I shall divulge some of the secrets of a KAOS Don.
KAOS (Killing as An Organized Sport)is a game of extremes, and those who do not become extremists will soon be shot. There are the players who come out with guns blazing and those who never see the light of day.
My story began last year. Stories were told that I killed a man within the first minute of the game. They began to fear me. Then I found out where a target was going to be at a certain time, but I had a conflicting class. Not to be deterred, I hired out a hit-man to bump off my assignment. These two events, combined with the well-known fact of my Sicilian heritage, led people to proclaim me the Godfather.
But this year, hit-men were part of the official rules of the game, so a mere repeat of last year would be boring.
Being a self-respecting mobster, I had to keep up my image in the eyes of the public. So I went about assembling a full-fledged mob to work for me. The idea of being in the Mafia is a sort of mythic sensation in American culture, so I found people willing to be a part of the experience. I had different groups assigned to locating my targets, identifying and taking out those assigned to kill me, and obtaining better weapons.
Once KAOS was started, I would talk to other players, waving the enigmatic power of my unseen mob like a threatening club over my head, offering protection if they would cooperate with me but hinting that they may be sleeping with the fishes if they crossed me. I accumulated more aid. Of course, the mob itself was never actually that big, but sometimes the illusion of power is more effective than actual power. In reality, I had a small group of individuals carrying out tasks for me, but I was able to create an image in the public’s imagination of a vast underground empire ready to do my bidding. The mob strategy is like poker; my power play involved much bluffing.
There is also the issue of keeping your own mob in line. What if someone wants to betray the Don? I had to keep them afraid. It is best to be feared and loved, but if you must choose one, it is better to be feared. I kept my own members in the dark as to the workings of the mob, too. I did not let any of my mafiosi know who each other were; only I knew all the members of the mob. They reported directly to me and were never made aware of each other’s existence in the Mafia.
Next year, I’m coming back with a bigger, badder mob. It’s just too much fun not to. And don’t think I’ve given away all the secrets; I still have an ace or two in the hole.